Cheating isn’t what you think it is.
For some reason people still assume there are some unspoken laws of relationships that apply to everyone, but that’s actually the furthest from the truth.
Cheating isn’t simply when your partner does something you dislike. It’s also not when they do something that you wouldn’t do. And it’s absolutely not what you think they should or shouldn’t do based on what you think others think is acceptable in a relationship.
If you’re running into cheating issues, the first thing you need to ask yourself is, “Did we clearly discuss and agree upon very precise boundaries BEFORE we committed to this relationship?”
For 99.99% of you reading this because you’re having problems with “cheaters” the answer is probably not.
You probably didn’t mention or talk about boundaries at all and just assumed there was some normal ruleset everyone follows in relationships, and this normal ruleset will most likely follow along the lines of what YOU think is acceptable and what isn’t.
This creates a major problem because your partner is not YOU and could and will likely have an entirely different ruleset they may be expecting you to follow in the commitment.
This isn’t an issue of who’s right and who’s wrong.
This is an issue of, there is no standard ruleset for relationships.
Every relationship and commitment is entirely unique and special and if you haven’t discussed boundaries with your partner, then trying to apply what you think is normal in a relationship is an epic failure on your part.
Before I dive too far into any philosophy, let me be clear, if you and your partner DID indeed discuss boundaries beforehand, or they did something you didn’t like so you discussed them then and made another commitment to each other, then this really doesn’t apply to you.
You may have an actual case of cheating that is most likely not fixable.
Sometimes second chances work if you are clear and precise with your partner. You may be able to compromise and agree on a relationship ruleset that each person follows out of love and respect. But when your relationship expectations and values are vastly different, it may not be possible to be in a committed relationship with each other — and that’s okay.
It doesn’t mean you or your partner are bad people or did anything wrong, this is actually what the term “irreconcilable differences” means. Labeling someone a cheater or thinking poorly of them is only going to poison yourself and not help you change, grow, and learn for the next relationship.
If you’ve ever paid attention to those that complain about being cheated on, they usually continue to get “cheated” on and their feeds are a nonstop bashing of their partners when the real problem is actually them.
Relationships are basically business contracts, if you do not have very clearly defined and precise expectations for each person involved, then it is doomed to fail. Do not think someone shares the same values and boundaries as you, you would be just as much at fault as they are for the failure in the relationship.
So let’s just start with the most drastic relationships to get right to the point.
Yes I’m talking about swingers or open-ended relationships. These are committed relationships with established boundaries and expectations that are vastly different from a “common” relationship.
There are happy couples or even trios in this format. All parties involved have agreed upon and made certain commitments to each other and all parties are okay with these terms. These relationships by most “standard” definitions would consist of “perpetual cheating” where you shift mental, sexual, and physical energy to people other than your partner. However, you would be wrong to label this cheating as it is part of the agreement / contract between the individuals.
That is what I want you to take away from this blog.
You are making a contract with another person when you enter a relationship and if you do not specify the terms, it would be faulty to label them as a cheater when they do something you dislike. Do not assume or have any hidden expectations of your partner because of what you think society thinks is normal.
Talk it out!
Talking will save you a lot of heartache and trouble down the road. Do not blindly enter a relationship without having this conversation.
Your agreement may consist of anywhere from “don’t even look at another woman/man/thing” to “it’s okay to talk to others however you want as long as there’s no physical contact” to “yeah go ahead and take the fuck truck to pound town whenever you want, here’s the keys.”
There are many things that fall in between there from religious beliefs to personal preferences. So take the time to talk to your partner BEFORE you commit. Learn what they think is acceptable in a relationship, ask the hard questions, get the answers from them, and discuss.
Once you understand their viewpoint on commitment, you can express yours to them, and then before you enter a relationship you can agree upon a common viewpoint that you will both commit to.
And just like that, 99.9% of “cheating” is solved.
Anytime I see someone posting about their partner sending pics or talking to others I just have to /facepalm myself because that leaves out the most important details, which are, “What did you agree upon beforehand?”
You can’t just simply bad mouth someone and call them a cheater or bad person because they did something you didn’t like that wasn’t agreed upon. Let’s grow up and be logical, it will cut down on Facebook spam and sadness by a lot if you follow the suggestions in this article.
By the above definition, cheating only occurs when a partner violates the terms of a mutual agreement made when they committed to a relationship.
Thanks for reading, feel free to leave your comments or opinions below.
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