A lot of women seem to think men only want them for sex as some selfish desire of their own and don’t care about them. While it may be true that most men absolutely need sex in a relationship, the reason as to why is not what most women think.
Let’s be honest. There are a lot of things men will never understand about women and very few things they will even make the effort to try to, although we might appear interested in trying to follow along, it is strictly our effort to not make matters worse.
Women tend to be more emotional and men logical in their thought patterns. This becomes problematic because the emotion women express is oftentimes the result of assumed logic or logical pathways based off many assumptions.
Generally speaking assumptions are only true about 50% of the time, if you make a large quantity of assumptions in one logical pathway to an emotion, you are probably committing a lot of acts of fallacy on the way. making your emotion not well grounded. This is what makes it so hard for men to understand.
To men everything is going just fine, then something happens or doesn’t happen, whether it’s a talk or something someone said, and then the women goes ape shit or worse off, something that happened days ago that we don’t even remember, and the women goes ape shit. Us, as men, have absolutely no idea what is wrong or what was said wrong. We can’t possibly guess what was said that solicited such a reaction. When we know what’s wrong and can figure it out, logically, then we are quick to apologize or try to kiss ass to remedy the situation.
Some women get so angry it’s as if they caught you cheating in the same bed they were sleeping in at the same time. There is just no way for men to put logic into place to understand why you feel the way you do unless something very traumatic happens, like someone set your car on fire.
And you can be a smart ass and say men are insensitive or not sympathetic to feelings, but that’s not true. Men understand emotion just as well as women, what we don’t understand, is why you have that emotion. So if you’re angry, we know what being angry is all about, but when we try to understand where the anger came from we are just baffled as to how what you have to tell us got you to that point.
I mean, so you ran out of shampoo, why are you laying in bed crying, yelling at the kids, and being short with everyone? And for the love of god, why must it last the entire day? Go get some fucking shampoo from the store and walk it off like a big girl.
So where does sex fit into all this?
Sex is simple. We have figured out, through the ages, that when women are emotionally upset with us or emotionally upset in general, they do not want to have sex (at least not with us if we are in a relationship with them). Therefore, using logic, without having to understand anything else, if you have sex with us, we assume everything is okay. We can sleep at night and let our minds rest that there isn’t some nasty grudge being held over us. So we expect it, a lot, probably almost everyday, unless we just aren’t that interested in you, which I’ll get too later in this article.
The next part of what sex does for us is obvious, pleasure, but not just pleasure for ourselves. It’s great that we have an orgasm during sex, but there are easier ways to accomplish this without having to take up your time and for less of a hassle. We do it because we need it and we figure you need it too. But we like to do it with you because we like to be good at everything we do, and sex is no exception. There is nothing more gratifying to a man then showing a woman a good time in the bedroom. When that happens we feel like king of the world. And this leads into another problem.
Ladies, sex is a lot of emotion for you to have an orgasm, if something is bothering you or you’re not interested in sex or the man you’re with, then don’t have sex with us or figure out a way to clear your mind. There’s no worse off feeling then feeling like you need to hurry or that the woman is just doing it for you. We like active participation, no matter how long it lasts, and we like to know you’re into it and into us and having a good time. When you’re into us you’ll also climax faster instead of being a hard ass and making men try to fuck you for 30 minutes while the first 20 is a warm up before you even get your mind into it.
Men like to feel wanted and desired. If men always have to put the moves on or get rejected constantly, it takes a hit into our self-esteem. We lose interest in you and over time it will destroy a relationship.
Therefore, a fight over lack of sex or lack of intimacy, while most woman think it’s the man being selfish or trying to use her, is actually a fight over being secure, wanted, and desired in a relationship.
Something both men and women want but each have different ways to obtain.
With men, we like to have everything in balance in the relationship, and sex is no exception. Sex that the woman is into and participates in, and if she randomly seduces him during the day without his initiation, that makes the relationship 10x better.
Let’s face it, if you don’t please your man, and I don’t mean just lie there and take it, and I also don’t mean it has to be fifty shades bat shit crazy, but I do mean you have to want it and be honestly passionate about, then you’re either going to end up with relationship problems or they will seek fulfillment outside the relationship or through other avenues. In the end this will result with the woman starting to feel like she’s not receiving enough attention and she’ll begin to wonder why her man isn’t interested in her. The same goes for men too, if you don’t please your woman she’s going to find someone who will.
This does not mean you can just have passionate sex with your man and ignore the rest of the relationship…okay, you’ll get away with it for awhile, but a relationship isn’t required for that and most men will bore of you and move on quickly to find someone to settle down with. (Yes ladies, men want to settle down, but you’re just not the one, sorry)
If your man is attracted to you physically and sexually and has feelings to express himself toward you in that manner and he cannot, then he will be come frustrated and/or angry. This will lead to a fight or lack of interest in you and a shitty relationship. It is actually a great benefit that your man wants to have sex with you and finds you attractive and beautiful in that way, it can strengthen the relationship and allow for maximum expression. It’s also can be a huge problem if they don’t want you in that way, depending on what you want out of the relationship, that we’ll discuss later.
The ability to express ones self, through sex, touch, communication, or any other means, whether it’s finger painting or pretending you’re a mime, is of key importance in a healthy relationship. However, each partner needs to be able to express themselves in the relationship (this absolutely has to be met or it won’t work). Whether your partners needs are sexually, listening, cuddling, or something else; if there is a need present in either party to express themselves, it has to be fulfilled.
People get into relationships with an individual because they want to be able to express themselves fully to another human being.
There are friends, relatives, and other people that some things you want to express are just not appropriate. This is where the sanctity of a monogamous relationship comes into play. You have a person, that you can say anything to and express yourself privately to in any fashion you want and they can do the same in return. If those expressions don’t work for each person in the relationship then you have the unbecoming of a relationship and it won’t last. I think a simple way to say that is the word compatibility.
Men Who Don’t Want Sex
Since this is not the main topic of this blog, I’ll try to summarize and keep this short.
First I want to point out that you can be in a relationship where there is no sex and be happy. Some people forgo the full intimacy part and are in reality just close friends. Being close friends is beautiful but it’s not what everyone wants in a relationship. I don’t want to lead you to believe something or discourage you from what you’re doing just because your man or woman doesn’t want you in a sexual way. Just make sure that your man actually doesn’t want to have sex and its not a problem of sexual attraction to you. This will lead to him eventually finding someone, even by accident, that he becomes sexually attracted to. If this is the case, its all sacrifice on his end, and how much sacrifice he will make depends on the person.
So here are some reasons why men don’t want sex and this excludes medical conditions or other obvious reasons as to why not.
- The most obvious, they don’t view you in that way. They are not physically or sexually attracted to you.
- They are sexually attracted to you but suffer from too much emotional stress and damage caused by you. When men are stressed out they are unable to perform or have a desire to perform or are not interested. That is why one of the basic health questions we get asked at our annual exam is how is our sex drive / sex life. Low sex drive is often the beginning of larger more serious conditions in men.
- You are too demanding or they feel inadequate when having sex with you. This is either because you expect so much all the time or make the expectations so high that the man is stressed out or pressured. Then if they don’t meet your expectations and you put them down, they’ll begin to feel inadequate. Huge turn off. Encouragement always works best to get what you want.
- Too much of a hassle. If there’s too much of a build up leading to sex or you’re constantly rejected or you have to wait for the right time, it’s going to lead to problems. The right time should be when one or the other person wants it, not some scripted event that happens at night after the children go to bed. Men will just go ahead and take care of it themselves and be done with it. We don’t like to wait and we don’t like the passion ripped out of it. We can pleasure ourselves rather quickly and move on with our daily activities. There’s nothing more stressful than waiting all day for sex.
- You’re not interested. Yes, we can do the quickies and satisfy ourselves on more than just the occasion and be okay. But men are not cold-hearted and will want you to be passionate, interested, and participate in the activity; hopefully resulting in pleasure for the woman as well. If this does not occur, we lose complete interest and stop trying.
Since I hinted at masturbation I want to go ahead and make a note here for you. If your man is masturbating but is still interested in you, leave him be, he might be practicing for you. But if he’s masturbating instead of having sex with you then you have a problem. Sometimes even if nothing is wrong men just masturbate for the hell of it. It has nothing to do with you or anything related to you, it’s just something we do. Sometimes we do it even if we have sex everyday because we haven’t done it in so long. You’ll know if there’s a problem so leave the masturbating men of the world alone 😉
I have been reading up on this for a while. I have been with my man for 15 years. When we were younger sex was fun. We had more of it and I was able to be vocal during it. We have a full house now and raising kids is a thrill but it takes a toll on the sex life. I am one of those lay back and take it types because it lasts 2 minutes. I couldn’t get too excited if I tried. I get that he’s tired, so am I, but then occasionally he will throw one of those comments about sex “being like paying a bill to me” out there and I wanna scream. I am going to take a different approach because of what you wrote. It was invigorating to hear the honesty. I will try to plan something every once in a while. It is really tough to be spontaneous when kids have school and homework then there’s dinner dishes laundry animals garbage and a few other things to consider. I will let that all pile up for a night here and there. His feelings do matter to me. He made a comment about a year ago that I take no interest in how his workday went. I have since asked every day to find that his job is actually stressful, kinda feel bad for him. He still has never once asked me how my day at work went. Anyways I will give your approach a shot and see how it works. Wish me luck.
Thanks for responding, I enjoy hearing the other side of the equation. Best of luck to you.
I have to say that you really hit the nail on head about the fact that both parties have to be enjoying themselves and authentically interested in each other’s satisfaction. As a woman, I think that women in general do not take enough initiative when it comes to pleasing themselves and becoming truly comfortable in their own skin. If your totally self conscious and uncomfortable there is no way an organ is eminent. Lol I have found over the years that some of the best sex between my husband and I is when we simultaneously finish. I’d say this happens more often than not and the work that gets a couple there is intimacy. You have to show your partner the side of yourself that is the most personal if you want him to reciprocate. Sometimes just the conversation can be foreplay. I think it’s hot making a man blush crimson at hearing the innermost workings of the female mind. Nice website btw. Your honesty is refreshing. 🙂
I honestly think God played a sick joke when he put men and women together. They’re fundamentally incompatible. Men need sex to feel loved, and women need love to have sex. It’s a catch 22. My husband and I are currently having problems because he works like a dog, so when he comes home from work he gets on the computer and plays games to de-stress, and basically ignores me. So I don’t get any emotional fulfillment, but then he expects me to jump his bones and fulfill his needs.
I don’t know ypur situation but would it help if he had maybe an hour or two (1+1/2 hrs seems to work well with the timing of the human body sometimes) right after work to just be completely alone with no interruptions so he can decompress? He could just do what he enjoys doing or maybe he could start that time block with meditating, or stretching or exercising. Might depend on his personality whether or not he needs alone time. Again I don’t know your situation, but thought I might put it out there in case it helps. Good luck.
Oops, I meant to put that reply I just put up after the comment made by “so confused”, a couple ones down.
ITS PRETTY SIMPLE. MEN NEED TO GIVE WOMEN AFFECTION IN ORDER FOR WOMEN TO WANT SEX WITH THEM. IF THEY CANT FIGURE THAT OUT THEY CAN FUCK OFF. ADVICE TO LET THE MAN DECOMPRESS DOESN’T ADDRESS THE COMMENT OF THE CATCH 22. THE CYCLE CAN BE POSITIVE AND WILL CONTINUE IF BOTH PARTICIPATE. READ THE BOOK HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. THANK YOU.
My fiance and I have been together for two years and he is small we have talked about it but now he is crushed and says it will never go away it hurts to much to have sex. We dont know what to do anymore what advice do you have here?
Toys. Make it exciting for him to watch
Yes toys are fun. I never don’t use them with sex. Having him insert himself and a toy at the same time is shown to be fun for both and you feel as if he was bigger. The standard boring bullet for a gun shape work great for this in my opinion. Good luck!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s so nice to hear from a man about what men think! At the same time, I’m still so confused. I love sex. My husband has always known this. I love him. He has always known this. But, we have no sex. I’ve tried to initate but have been rejected. He says it’s because he’s stressed and unhappy because of his job. I know this is true but then saw that he rented a porno. I don’t have a problem with the movie, just that he seems to prefer it over me. I love him and want him. I’ m not perfect but I’m attractive. What am I doing wrong?
It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. When we get stressed out or depressed from external things we like to be alone, it’s much easier to rent a porno and go to work than socialize with anyone. Might just be alone time to fulfill some needs without the social interaction, but if it’s causing problems in the relationship and it’s been awhile, it’s probably time for a job change or some counseling to deal with his job.
I found this article to be very reactionary and one sided. I think Great Sex has to start in the mind, and I can appreciate the honest opinion of a man on the issue and how it relates to a relationship. The problem with this article is that it makes women seem like they have to solve a problem they may or may not have caused in the relationship. It sounds as if men don’t bear any responsibility for what they do or don’t contribute to a relationship. Why is it that it is always the woman who has to deal with this issue? Why can’t men be up front about their real feelings and not play mind games? I honestly believe that we as women need to use good common sense before entering certain situations with a man, and we can’t and have no right to blame men if we don’t. I just think we need to put this in a proper perspective when it comes to how men and women relate to each other physically.
I feel sex is affected by the way a person is treated..woman or man..if a person is treated with respect,listened to , and made to feel like their opinions counts, what they do counts, they will have a better intimate relationship. But if they are called names, belittled.etc. and still expected to like sex…that day or next..like all is fine..I think…it’s a bunch of baloney ..who needs it..I’d rather be alone..
I agree with you Lou. My husband and I haven’t had sex in more than 6 months and I have no interest in it anymore due to his constant whingeing during sex. I tried to be gentle, not complain, do it his way but after a while I realised that if I do not initiate, he won’t either. Then when he does, he is not happy when I try to give it a bit of energy or try to change positions; he looks at me like I am spoiling things or complains of being uncomfortable. And it has been like this since day one!!
So to my mind there isn’t much to work with and 6 years of this is just too much. I am so over it now and just want to leave this mess behind! He can be a good friend but I don’t need a 45 year old husband who needs to be taught how to handle a woman!
Hi…Ii want to be respectful in my saying this…run to counseling. I have been there and it cost me my marriage. Plz think about it. Good luck…😉
I thought the article was helpful in that it helped me to see that most men are not just using us as a human masterbation doll and that sex actually means something *emotional* to them. That was a great revalation for me.
I think though that the one sidedness you feel may feel may only have to do with the fact that the article was written by a guy *for the purpose of* showing a guys point of view to women. I think if a woman writes an article from a woman’s viewpoint and gave suggestions about things a man can do to help *her*, you might feel it is evened out? But since that article isn’t there, then what you are going to read is from a man’s point of view. I think that is better than having a man guess at what a man can do to help the situation for a woman. I really want to know from his viewpoint. That does not say that all the relationship work is up to the woman. He’s just giving the man’s view. I am sure a lot of men would want to read an equivalent article coming from a woman so he can understand what makes her tick, and then get helpful sugesstions about how to help women in the relationship too.
That being said, I do think men and women are different (obviously, otherwise we wouldn’t need articles lile this!) I do think women are a little more sophisticated emotionally. That does not make us better, it just means we may have a little more work to do in that department in order to help a man get in touch with his feelings. Men have their own things to offer that they are more skilled at. Like protecting and helping a woman to survive in the physical world. In the extreme, they are the ones who instinctively and historically put their lives on the line right? The ultimate gift in a way. Our society may have taken out our instincts by now, but I am hoping not so much that we can’t find our instincts again, and if we can get back to our natural instincts as men and women then I think things become a lot more clear. When the male and female energy within ourselves and with each other is balanced out, that is when we finally realise heaven with each other, and both are fulfilled.
Thank you. Its sexist and immature.
This is nonsense. Men only want it when it’s convenient for them. Ever notice that men done look for sex when football is on or when hunting season begins? If you want us to have sex with you, show us that we are the most important thing in your life. Skip the superbowl, the world series, hunting season, take us into the bedroom and show us that we mean more to you than those things.
Lol…with all due respect it’s not fair to ask him to skip the things he enjoys. Wait…go shopping… and rock his world after the Superbowl.😉😉 I get my best shopping done when he is watching soccer..my love is Nigerian …it’s also a good time to spend his money while he’s distracted…kmsl..I wish I knew you…all you would have to do is call and were having a ball at Macy’s. .😉
Wow. How beautifully you contradict yourself! You say “ we want sex, almost everyday…..sex means everything is ok.’
Then you add, yes, we (men) may refuse sex IF
1. We don’t view you so..
2. We are stressed..
3. You are too demanding.
4. We feel inadequate.
5. If it is too much hassle……
So if I am right, you mean to say you want sex if your woman keeps you emotionally happy. Only, you are saying it in a roundabout way.
Let me give you my perspective, if you care to listen.
I love myself the way I am, with all its imperfections and beauty. I want to have a marriage that is intimate. I want my man to love me. I want to make love to him passionately. How many times? Every day. May be several times in a day.
That makes me feel beautiful. It connects me to him. I feel secure. And I feel we are together, whatever the situation be. Now, I may NOT want to have sex with him if
1. I don’t view him that way.
2. I feel too stressed. He leaves me with child care and house-running responsibility alone.
3. When he or his family is too demanding. And they expect me to be an ideal home- maker from day one.
4. when It is too much of a hassle to ask him to be a part of relationship and do his due.
I don’t why you have this wrong notion that women don’t want sex as much as men. My advice to you is :- Share the responsibility. Give your woman some me-time while you babysit the kids. Normally also, feed the kids, read them a story and tuck them in bed while she quickly finishes her house chores. And most importantly, set the boundaries for your so called man-friends, mother and the rest of your clan. Tell her she is awesome as often as you can and see the magic unfold…….You will get all the sex you desire and much more, I bet.
You pretend men are sooo much more logical yet men kill and rape so much more than women, they are more violent, commmit suicide more often and die more by doing dumb shit. Why?? Because they can’t control their fucking emotions. Hell even your own article states men need sex because feelings. No logic there just your penis taking over once again.