I have been in hundreds of facebook arguments and I always win, no exceptions. There are many strategies you can use to win any facebook argument. The goal of having a facebook argument is to entertain yourself while you are bored and to waste as much time of other people as you possibly can by hooking them into the argument.
This is a double edged sword, if you enter into a facebook argument with someone that is just as bored as you are, the debates can go on for days and span the length of a novel, at this point it doesn’t matter who wins, you’ve both wasted your time. Instead of arguing with each other, that time should be spent in wasting the time of people who are already short on time.
Not only am I about to tell you all of my argument secrets but I’m also going to help you identify my tactics so that you can adapt and respond to them. For your convenience I have broken my strategy into two sections: “Dealing with People” and “Dealing with Evidence” which are the two cornerstones of any argument. Win either of these and you can win the argument.
Dealing with People
There are six main strategies used in a facebook argument that have little to do with the discussion at hand. These can be broken down into six categories: Stereotype, Undertype, Overtype, Lure, Insult, and Ignore.
Stereotype
When dealing with complex issues the best thing you can do is take a single sentence typed by another user (take it way out of context if you can), and stereotype them to a group of people, and then insult that group of people or discredit them because they belong to that group.
Example: User types, “Thank God.”
Your response: “You’re religious and believe that an invisible man created us and punishes us for our sins, lolololololol (the more lololols the more offended the person will be which is the goal, to frustrate them and win), you couldn’t possibly know anything.”
Example: User types, “I think we should have a balanced budget.”
Your response: “You stupid republican. You just want money to wage war and kill babies.”
You get the point, try to stereotype them, after all it makes complete sense to take everything they typed out of context and summarize their entire lives, beliefs, experience, and knowledge into a single group — right?
Undertype
Undertyping is how you deal with those scientific assholes that want to type essays into a comment thread. Big walls of text that are boring and unreadable, for some reason no one else cared to listen to them, but they try to force you to read what they type. Yeah right!
Simply ignore everything they said, maybe read the first and last sentence, and then reply with “You’re wrong.” and that’s it. Don’t type anything else. This way you won’t address any points they made and frustrate them. If you add in a few “lolololol” this will piss them off even more.
Over Type
Use this strategy when you have no idea what you are talking about. Type as much stuff as you can, leaving one of those big wall of china blocks of text that is unreadable and has absolutely no point. Whatever comes to mind just type it in there. Every now and then take a few of your words and go to thesaurus.com and find the biggest most complex word you can replace yours with to make yourself sound smart.
The goal with overtyping is to make something so long and boring that they will concede or leave the argument because they are unable to read your massive replies and don’t want to.
If you are really bored, make a huge wall of text based off every point they made, but take their point, stereotype them again, and then make your response based off that stereotype, start every paragraph with “lolololol” as well.
Example: User mentions organic food.
Your response: “You’re just one of those hippies that doesn’t vaccinate their children and smokes a bunch of marijuana.” —- Follow this up by talking bad about hippies, unvaccinated children, and drugs. Remember, marijuana is a gateway drug, not only do you want to tell them they do marijuana but you also want to say they probably do harder drugs like cocaine.
Lure
Luring is when you don’t really give a flying fuck about what they are talking about but instead of responding to them you ask them questions.
“Really, tell me why you think that.”
“Interesting, tell me more.”
The goal behind this is to not read anything they said, whenever you get a facebook notification that they responded, simply pick your predetermined phrase and post it as a comment. If they bite on this bait, they will actually answer your question (dumb fucks lololol) and waste a bunch of time doing so.
Insult
Everyone is really good at this one. Instead of focusing on the issue, personally attack them. You can use stereotypes if you want or just start calling them names. Pretend you’re in 3rd grade again and call someone a “doody head” it really fucks with them.
Ignore any points they make and only respond to them with personal attacks. A really good starting line to use to get them riled up is “People like you make me sick…” — works like a charm, try it.
Example: User updates status: “Just took my dog to the vet today.”
Your response: “People like you make me sick. There are 45 million uninsured in America and people sick and dying on the streets and you…you have the nerve to give your animal medical treatment over them, you’re such a selfish asshole. I hope you die in a fire.”
Ignore
This is one of my personal favorites. What you do is mention them briefly in your reply but you ignore them. So you only reply or talk to the other people in the comment thread but you never address anything they say. You continue to talk and even mention this other person as if they aren’t even there and you are talking behind their back.
The goal is to get them to try to intervene or address you in their replies which should result in some lengthy responses to you but you continue to ignore them like they are on your block list. This drives people crazy.
Dealing with Evidence/Sources
Okay, if you’re are serious facebook debater / arguer this section is for you. This means you’re willing to take a little bit more time to prove a point.
Whenever someone posts something you don’t like or don’t agree with, ask them to cite their sources or provide proof.
When they provide proof examine it for flaws.
- If they cite wikipedia.org, say that’s user run and unofficial you can’t trust that.
- If they provide a government site, say that’s a government site, it’s bias and untrustworthy, I mean look what they did to social security.
- If it’s some random site, say this person has no credentials or expertise.
- If it’s a news site, stereotype them, like fox news people call republican, so say that the information is bias.
- If they end up providing evidence or a source that you can’t invalidate, then say that it is irrelevant to what you were discussing, even if it’s relevant. Tell them you were talking about something different.
- If they link in studies, tell them you want to know why the study was conducted and where it was conducted, no matter what the results are, say it was bias and that you want to see other studies confirming this fact.
- If they provide evidence that you can’t dispute any longer, then it’s time to make personal insults.
Keep in mind that most of the time the evidence that is provided will somehow lead to the bible, and you can make all the religious insults you want, but most of the time, I call this a stalemate argument. Avoid bible credentials unless it’s a religious argument then you can both cite sources out of the bible or other books on religion.
But remember folks, when all else fails, follow my simple advice to win any facebook argument.
- Step 1: Request proof
- Step 2: Invalidate that proof
- Step 3: Make personal insults
While you are doing any of these three steps it is important to remember to use one of the six primary tactics:
- Stereotype
- Undertype
- Overtype
- Lure
- Insult
- Ignore
Thanks for reading. Now get out there and make people feel bad!
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