If it seems easier to help others see their faults and fix problems with their relationship — that’s because it is. There is no trickery involved, it simply has to do with two important things, listening and taking responsibility for your shortcomings.
This is one area where lead by example does not apply.
Some people will tell you not to take advice from a relationship counselor that has problems in their relationships, citing if they can’t fix their own relationship what makes you think they can fix yours.
So they tell you to take relationship advice from the counselor that has been “happily” married for 40 years instead.
The problem with this old adage is somewhat obvious.
The person that’s been married for 40 years may not be happy but just content, and they may not have experienced many relationship difficulties to teach you from their experience. They might have learned almost everything from a textbook.
On the other hand, the counselor that has been divorced three times and can’t seem to keep a relationship for the life of him has experienced all sorts of problems. He can probably tell you where he went wrong, what not to do, and what he would have done differently — no book knowledge necessary.
Who would you rather take advice from? Somebody that has the experience first-hand or somebody that has only read about the experience.
So have you ever wondered why it’s harder to fix your relationship problems but easier to help others through theirs?
It’s largely due to the fact that no matter how much advice you have to give your partner, they don’t take it as advice. They take it as either an attack or blame. Instead of listening, they become defensive and fire back.
They don’t want you to assume a position of authority or point out any of their faults, they’re not listening to you anyways. What they’re focused on is telling you about your faults and all the things you’re doing wrong. This goes back and forth, turns into an argument, and nothing gets solved.
There is just a complete lack of respect for each other.
You no longer value your partner’s opinion as much as you do a non-involved third party or a friend. In fact, what your partner thinks is usually rather insignificant to you especially if it has to do with anything you’re doing wrong.
So you come to a stand off.
Each partner is trying to express what they think their partner is doing wrong. Each partner is trying to get the other person to concede the point, accept responsibility for their actions, and promise to change.
Yeah, like that’s ever going to happen.
For this to even have a chance at working both partners need to respect each others views and opinions. Anytime one partner thinks they know more than the other, it will turn into a power struggle.
This is so far different than when you’ve helped your friends out with advice pertaining to their relationship or life in general.
When you are a third-party going to help a friend out that’s in a tough spot in their relationship, you are not involved in the relationship, meaning you don’t really have a bias either way and normally can’t become a target.
They won’t activate their defense system against you. They keep that invisible plasma shield that’s capable of instantaneously disintegrating everything that passes through it reserved for their partner only.
Any advice you have to offer isn’t seen as an attack but as an attempt to help them. They do not feel the need to be defensive because they are not involved with you and they do not view you as part of the problem with their relationship.
This is genuinely why even the people with the most relationship experience and advice to offer are unable to improve their relationships. Even knowing their partner is going to view whatever they say as some sort of an attack they end up spending most of their time trying to subtly get very small messages across to their partner without much luck.
It takes two very aware partners to work together and fix relationship problems, one person can’t do it no matter how much knowledge and wisdom they have on relationships.
Before you got into a relationship you probably helped that person through some type of hard time and offered them advice. They probably sat there and listened intently, hanging on every word, shit, they probably even thanked you for helping them.
You’re the same two people, but now you’re in a relationship. The same type of advice you have to offer is no longer appreciated. They listen with one ear and let it run through the other ear.
Instead of understanding what you are trying to tell them, they view it as an attack on their character, and while you are talking they are thinking of all the reasons and justifications for their actions, combined with, all of the things you do wrong that makes you not worthy of their attention.
If your partner knows that you’ve helped or been helping others with their problems, they’ll probably even say something to you about it, like, “You can help everyone else with their relationships but you put no focus or attention on ours.”
This is just them finding more ammunition to attack you with, more ways to put you down. It doesn’t take a genius to see the flaw in a statement like that. The formats are entirely different.
When you help somebody you’re not involved with they are seeking advice and possible solutions. They are willing to listen intently and accept blame and responsibility for things you point out that they may be doing wrong. Everything you say is considered. They will even more than likely try out some of the suggestions you gave them and see if it helps.
The exchange that occurs is that of teacher to student and it is full of respect for one another.
When you try to help somebody that you’re involved with they are probably not even seeking advice because they are too busy blaming you for their problems. They have little interest or respect in what you have to say or what advice you have to offer. They are unwilling to accept blame or responsibility for any of their shortcomings, instead they will defend themselves and justify their actions to prove they don’t have any. The last thing they will do is take anything you say to heart and try out some of the suggestions you made.
The exchange that occurs is that of teacher to teacher or rather asshole to asshole and there is no respect in this exchange. Only deflections and counter attacks.
Once you understand this, it may help you develop some type of strategy that will help you fix your relationship in the way that you can help others fix theirs, but don’t get too hopeful.
This is one scenario where even being the bigger person and changing won’t help your partner change, they’ll just expect you to do all the changing every time they have a problem.
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