Why Are My Feelings Being Completely Ignored?

In today’s world there seems to be an ever growing common problem in relationships where one person (**cough**, usually the woman) thinks that her man doesn’t understand or respect her feelings. This is most of the time a wrong assumption. Typically men understand precisely what you’re feeling and why you feel that way. The problem does not lie with your man, unless you really do have a man who doesn’t understand or respect your feelings, which is honestly rare.

And ladies, this doesn’t mean he ignores you and has no sympathy for you anymore because he’s tired of your bullshit. Most men will get like this after a certain point in a relationship if your feelings aren’t well grounded in logic. Men are logical creatures for the most part, we lack common sense, but every time you present something to us we have to understand it.

matrix meme feelings

If we can’t follow the logic of how you got to feel the way you feel then you’re probably shit out of luck in talking to us and expecting more than we offer. Even though we can generally understand, accept, and probably agree that even we’d feel that way too given what you’re saying.

But the fact is, if we can’t get to the point you’re at in your mind when presented with the reasoning you used to feel that way, then there’s little hope we are going to stand by and nurture you through it passed a certain extent. Some sympathy is always granted because we love you, but it becomes too much too quickly when you don’t correct the logical fallacy behind it all.

Now this might sound really offensive and I’m sure you’ll tell me I don’t understand or respect your feelings, but hear me out because what I’m telling you is going to help you in your relationship with your man or woman.

Best Maya Angelou Quote on feelings

Thoughts Lead To Emotions

It is no secret that thoughts are responsible for how you feel. It is also no secret that you feel emotion before you have to chance to respond, this is based largely off how you think you’re supposed to feel and react on a subconscious level to events and tragedies in your life. The subconscious is programmed by…dun dun dun…thoughts. Repetitive thoughts will find a way to embed themselves into your subconscious, thus, automatically programming this part of your brain and response pattern. So what the hell did I just say?

If someone you know and love dies would you feel sad? The answer is probably yes unless you’re cold hearted or dead on the inside, but let’s be more specific. If someone you know and love dies, but you didn’t know about it, would you be sad? Obviously, the answer is no.

So then it is not the fact that someone you know and love dies that makes you sad. Do you see? It is only when you hear about it and began to process this information (think) about it do you become sad. It’s the mental pictures you run through your mind, maybe all the good times you had with that person and the fact you won’t see them anymore. Maybe it’s the family they left behind, there are many reasons to be sad, but you can’t have that emotion until you begin thinking about the event. Do you understand now? Thoughts lead to emotion.

Since we all agree on that point now, this leads me into the next point of discussion. I call it internal chatter to be light and easy on the term, but I personally think it should be called “Why the fuck are you advancing a conversation in your head about me based off your own assumptions, misguided facts, and not asking me anything along the way to set the record straight” but that’s just me.

best wiz khalifa quote on feelings

Internal Chatter Disease

This internal chatter is an absolute killer of all relationships, friendships included. If I were religious I would call it Satan talk. Men, and maybe even women, understand what this is or will after I explain it.

The basics of internal chatter and dialogue is that the other person takes something that there partner did or didn’t do, or anything really, it could be an insecurity they have not related to their partner, and they just run with it. When I say run with it, I mean they take it, and insert it into the assembly line in their brain. They start reasoning something, start making assumptions about other people, and come to a final product or conclusion. Essentially, advancing an entire discussion about you, without you, in their head, and you have no input along the way to set it straight or to defend yourself. Take the following example.

You come home late one night from work. Your wife doesn’t say anything, but the next day when you get home from work, she starts screaming at you accusing you of cheating and all kinds of other things. Instead of asking you a question or checking into any facts period, what she did was assembly line your ass without your input. It goes something like this.

I dont always make shit up quote

“He came home late. He’s never late. I wonder if he’s cheating on me. His secretary is kind of cute. I wonder if she stayed late. She must have stayed late. That’s why he must have stayed late. Was he even at work. Maybe they went out together. They did go out together. They probably like each other. I bet they have a thing between them. I bet he’s been cheating on me with her. He has been cheating on me with her. I wonder how long it’s been going on. Maybe since the day he hired her. Maybe that’s why he hired her. I bet he’s been having an affair since the day he hired her.”

This is an example of internal chatter without any input from anyone but that person. They make assumptions, really bad ones, get emotional, and come to a conclusion or many conclusions, and you’re left to deal with the bullshit. Instead of simply asking you where you were and what you were doing, this happens instead. Instead of “Hey where were you?” and “Oh me and Frank had a project deadline so we stayed late at the office to get it done, then we went out to celebrate and have a drink after.” you’re left with a bunch of shit. People that do this to you are really undateable and probably should be be alone forever, for it takes great patience to deal with someone like this, and unfortunately, a lot of people actually do this to some degree.


Men Are Not Stupid…Not Completely At Least

So here’s what you been waiting for. Men are not stupid as you may think. A lot of men are actually socially aware and can pick up on the feelings of others. The problem is not how others feel, but why they feel that way. Most men can accept and understand how their woman feels but they can’t agree with how they got that way because the reasoning behind it is…well…it’s just fucked up…and fucked up bad.

Oftentimes when I listen to how someone feels, there’s a very good chance that they lied to themselves in order to produce those feelings.

Them: “I’m sad because my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore, boo hoo”

Me: Okay, I got it, you think your boyfriend doesn’t love you anymore, I understand and respect that you’re sad now tell me more.

Them: “Well, he hasn’t done anything special for me in a couple of weeks so he must not love me anymore”

Me: “Umm…ok, are you sure it’s because he doesn’t love you anymore? Have you asked him? Has he been busy? What have you done for him to show you love him? Has anything been going on?”

Them: “Well, he’s been working over time, about 60 hours a week for the past month, and all he does is come home eat and sleep”

Me: “And you think this is clear indication that he doesn’t love you anymore”

Them: “Yes, I don’t think he loves me anymore”

Me: “Are you fucking stupid or just bat shit crazy?”

Them: “You’re being mean, you’re just like him, you don’t understand how I feel.”

Me: “No…that’s not it, I understand why you’re sad and I would be too if my girlfriend didn’t love me anymore, I just think you’re exaggerating the situation and making stuff up in your head to come to that conclusion. Your boyfriend is working very long hours, probably to support your stupid ass. You should be doing nice things for him and thanking him, but instead all you’re thinking about is you, what about him? At the very least, discuss with him how you feel unloved and talk to him about his work schedule, how tired he is, and possibly find a way to get some time with him so you can get the attention you need….that would probably be a good start….instead you choose to walk around being sad without reason?”

Best Einstein Quote Genius

More examples? I can do this all day.

Them: “I don’t feel appreciated.”

Me: “Okay why not.”

Them: “I do all of your dishes, laundry, take care of your kids, and you never say thank you.”

Me: “I appreciate what you do, what about dinner tonight, I said thank you, and I say thank you a lot why do you say I never say thank you? What about all the stuff I do for you? I go to work each day and make sure we have a house, food, and more. I never hear you say thank you?”

Best Marriage Quote

You see, the above scenario is typical of most serious relationships where they live together and split things up. Unfortunately, what happens is each person falls into a role, but the woman refuses to accept her roles. I’m not saying it has to be the woman cleaning and raising kids, it could just as easily be the man doing it, but what I’m saying is the difference in between how women usually handle the situation.

See a man will go to work and support his family forever, he’s like an energizer bunny. He will also do this with the kids and the house work too. He won’t say a damn word, he’ll just keep going. But women on the other hand, they always have something to say. They may secretly feel that raising the children offsets the mans work, and the man may not agree with that, so the women runs around for years doing housework and other stuff, thinking it’s bonus to the household where she’s doing more and worse off she expects recognition for it, not just once, but all the time.

The man on the other hand, just assumes that everything she does is equal to what he does and when confronted with it, you get stupid conversations that are so irrelevant they don’t matter. Just for your sake, whether you’re a man or woman, if you expect something for anything you’re doing other than what you’re getting, fucking say something.

Don’t hold it all in and then explode, its a relationship killer, and you’ll drive your other person crazy. Don’t do dishes and housework for 4 years and then tell the other person they owe you. If you’re going to do anything ever, you either do it without expecting anything in return, you accept what you’re getting in return as equal, or you say something before you do it.

Best Lao Tzu Quote Journey and Single Step

It’s Just Business…Don’t Get Hard Feelings If You Structure a Shitty Deal

This is a simple business negotiation that could save your relationship. Going to work, raising kids, and running a household are what I have termed the business aspects of a relationship. They do not, and never should, interfere with the personal aspects of a relationship. If you want help with house work or kids or someone needs to get a job for money, then say something up front and put forth your expectations. If after negotiations you think things are still unfair, don’t just sit there and take it, leave. It will be better off in the long run for everyone. Go find someone who can appreciate you for everything you do and give you a fairer deal. Life’s too short for the bullshit. These examples are traditional examples, men and women can be reversed in all of these, so don’t get all sexist on me. It doesn’t matter who does what, what matters is:

Best Lao Tzu Quotes on Thoughts

  • You don’t fucking carry on conversations in your head to the extent where you’re invoking irrelevant and unnecessary feelings. Talk to the other fucking person, they are probably accessible to you in 20 different ways throughout the day. Don’t make shit up, you’ll drive not only yourself crazy, but the other person. If you really don’t know, ask. Your assumptions will be wrong at least 50% of the time, when you make 10 assumption in your thought pattern like above, what are the chances you’re even remotely close to right? The fact is, you’ll never know someone no matter how long you’ve been with them, and I as wrote in another article, the only thing you’ll get the longer you know someone is a statistic probability of the way they “might” react to something, but you never really know what’s going on in someones head until you ask. So fucking ask….seriously…fucking ask.
  • Don’t have such high and unrealistic expectations. Be open and honest with yourself and your partner. If you expect something, then fucking say what it is. Don’t continue doing something thinking you’re doing someone else a favor and then getting upset because they don’t appreciate you for it. If you think you’re doing more, then say something. Not ten years down the road during a divorce, right fucking now. Stop reading this article, go to your partner, and say hey John, I think I’m putting more into this relationship than you are, and have that discussion. There’s nothing worse than someone favor banking when you’re not even asking them for a fucking favor in the first place, especially when you feel like you’re equals in the relationship. Hell, the other person might feel like they are doing more, and what happens when you have two people who both feel like they are doing more in a relationship? You get shit on and it doesn’t work. So talk. Communication is key to everything in this life.

If you can avoid the two things above, you mine as well join Charlie Sheen because you have tiger blood and as far as life is concerned, you are “Winning”.

Charlie Sheen Winning Quote

62 thoughts on “Why Are My Feelings Being Completely Ignored?”

  1. I just want to thank you for this article. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and for some time I’ve been having a lot of feelings that I know are exaggerated and irrational, but the emotions are still very real and I’ve been having a hard time putting them into a more realistic perspective. Reading this really helped and I hope I can apply some of these tips to my relationship.

  2. I’m so glad I found this article! I really don’t give my man enough credit, I need to wind my neck in, pull my weight and get a grip!


  3. Thank you for the article. I came across it when I was trying to understand why my boyfriend does not care about my opinions. Just so you know, this is not in my head because he actually told me this today. To give you a little insight, we no longer live together and he moved out and got his own place. For almost 3 months now, I have asked him when I could see his new place. We are not living together because of issues we were having but according to him, mainly because he does not trust my reactions to certain situations. Basically, I have a bad temper and do not act properly when mad. I can take responsibility for that and agree that I need to change. However, whenever I would ask about going to his place, he would give me these reasons that had nothing to do with how he felt about my reactions. I had a strong suspicion that it was because he was worried I would drive over to his place angry one day and he wanted to avoid that, but from what HE was telling me, it was because his house was unclean or unorganized. Well, finally the truth came out the other night. I told him that he had lied to me but he stood his ground stating that he had not lied and that I should have known this all along. I am not inside of his mind and if I am sitting in front of his asking to go to his place, he had every opportunity to tell me the truth regardless of how uncomfortable it would be. I understand he doesn’t trust my reactions, but there are many situations that couples need to be honest about that are not easy and where the others reaction is feared, but that doesn’t justify lying. Days after, he still denies he lied and told me that he doesn’t care about my opinion and doesn’t want to hear it. He basically thinks I am wrong for thinking he lied and that I should know how he feels even without him telling me. He claims I am oversensitive and has told me that he will not see me today if I mention to him one more time that he lied or if he thinks I am still hanging on to my feelings/opinions. What are your thoughts?

  4. Wow,dis is incredible,I jst found dis article cos I was looking for an answer on why someone I have feelings for is holding back a lot and after reading dis, d answer stared @ me in d eyes.I was thinking too much and making so much up in my head.the funniest part being he’s actually too tied up to even have time for himself! Thanks so much.dis is jst d drug I needed. XOXO

  5. as a strong secure woman i just move on from a man that ignores me. Why should anyone put up with that? Find a man that loves you and will put in equal effort.

  6. This article is incredibly sexist… I will NOT apologize for my feelings, because they are neither stupid nor irrational. Typical that a man says if my boyfriend doesn’t respect my feelings, my feelings must be “illogical.” No, it’s just that 99.5% of you guys are selfish, unsympathetic assholes. There’s some sexism for ya.

    1. 100% right on! My feelings are just as valid and rational as any other human being including those of males, not a superior race or species!

      1. Yes, and a man’s desire not to hear constant complaining is also valid and rational. You do not have the right to use a man as your emotional tampon. You also don’t get to decide what is valid and rational; everyone must do this in their own minds. Go find someone compatible to you and stop trying to change men.

      2. Thank you and rock on woman. This author sounds like another self absorbed man who generalizes all women and are problems. Awesome

    2. I came I to this article hoping it would give me insight, but I stopped reading it and did not finish because this is SEXIST AS HELL!, you sound very inconsiderate and you’re not a woman and never will be so you will. It understand how we think! So don’t act like were the annoying ones because you guys don’t have e PATIENCE to hear us out, most of the time we just say some things because we want assurance, not everything we say is literal. Women are super sympathetic creatures. I’m sorry to men you guys are all awsome too, but this article is starting to make me hate you! 😛

      1. Have you any idea that when you as a woman are throwing your “feelings” around its a case that these are the process of your own inner monologues running riot!!! In essence making shit up and having your man have to run around and chase shadows in order to make you feel better. Excuse me but are you 4 years old or something??? Have a bit of respect for the fact that you are responsible for your own crazy crap…not anybody else. feelings…fucking hell…the most abstract and obnoxious things that any person could possibly throw out there…and all the self help guru’s love ye for throwing them out there because it gives them an automatic market for the sort of crap they peddle. All those books should be titled : “The art of NOT taking responsibility for your own shit…blaming it on your partner and making their life a misery”. Why do men not buy that shit…because from a very early age we are taught to grow up, put petty shit behind us and life isnt fair…its hard…it sucks…so just get on with it or we will call you a fucking pussy!!! Men dont need sympathy…thats for children and people who are actually dying. Are you 4??? Are you dying??? No??? Then you dont need sympathy…you need a kick in the ass and to be told to cop on!!! Nobody needs your neurotic, whiney bullshit!!!

    3. It’s incredibly sexist of you to insist that men should be your emotional tampon. We are DIFFERENT … it is excruciating to hear someone constantly whine about a problem and DO NOTHING to fix it. If you do this MOST MEN WILL NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!!

      I don’t know how to say this any clearer: The way men think is just as valid as the way women think. If you are not compatible with a guy, LEAVE HIM!!! Don’t try to change him and don’t try to turn him into a woman. Even if you’re successful at changing him, you’ll immediately lose respect for him. Call it illogical and stupid … but that’s what happens.

    4. Wow.
      Came upon a few years later than posted.
      Your reactive comments are a perfect example of allowing your thoughts to determine your emotions. Not at any point did he push back on woman’s (or male’s) emotions. He pushed back on ways we allow destructive “self talk” and negative and often inaccurate assumptions dictate our:
      1. Reactions
      2. Coping process
      3. Stability
      Most if not all long lasting mutually gratifying relationships are founded and maintained by emotional maturity.
      Think of someone you no longer speak to. Maybe they yell, blame, deny your efforts to communicate constructively, stole from you… whatever. (I’ll wait until your thoughts determine your emotions)

      Ironic how you’ll call the author names, accuse him of posting a sexist article, (I must not have issues with being a woman b/c that never crossed my mind, I was too busy taking in what was a fresh perspective instead of allowing my thoughts or experiences from my past jump in and say “hey, remember all the times someone made you feel less than? Ignored, not important, doesn’t this article remind you of that?… don’t just sit there write something based on your sensitivity to not feeling like you matter enough”, ah don’t let your guard down now, or ever if you want to be at peace alone or with someone… “)

  7. I found this very interesting to read, it also answered a lot of questions for myself. I recently came into a new relationship, we are about five months in now and so far it’s been great! But I did lack the side about understanding men. Unfortunately I grew up with a mother that hates men and it sort of pasted onto me, but I managed to keep long relationships. But yesterday was an eye opener as we had our first major argument. I told him I felt like he wanted me to be a pain slab with no emotions, because I felt like any emotion I expressed was wrong towards him. He turned around and said “I can’t make you feel anything, it’s your thoughts that make you feel that way.” Of course at first I was taken aback and got quite upset, I thought that peoples actions make how you feel, (and of course, in many ways that’s true), but after a few hours of not talking to one another I gathered my thoughts and went searching the web for any answers – And I came across this! I wouldn’t say this is sexist I would say this is honest and to the point. Both men and women need a keep up the backside in different ways when it comes to relationships! And I will admit as a women, our sex can become over-emotional for no reason and we do tend to think about ourselves more than the other person. I just want to say thank you for this article, I found it very helpful. Thanks again!

  8. Hi, thank you soo much…. ive been crying two days because we have a fight with my 6 years boyfriend because i was assuming that he doesn’t at me nor my feelings anymore….he’s a workaholic to and when it comes to concerning my feelings he avoid having conversation with on text because He knows we will just branching out different topics not related to our conversation… He feels im not satisfied on what he’s giving because i keep on asking his time to be with me, you cant blame though…. thank you so much… while typing this i have a really bad headache because its been 2 days since ive been crying…. and i did stop this hour after i read your article… thank you…

    1. I feel the same way. their is much more to it than just that though,my man completley ignores every feeling or emotion and i try to explain to him how i feel and he simply egnores me and tells me im just too emotional.he asked me to marry him while still flirting with his ex and im being errational

  9. i would like your input on if my husband knows how i feel about something he does but he thinks its nothing wrong with it but it really bothers me but he still continues to do it what do i do?

  10. But when I do ask he yells at me and tell me it is none of my business. So I finally left. If his business is none of my business then I guess I have no business being with him.

  11. What about when your husband cheats on you while pregnant and having a baby. Then for the whole time afterwards. Does not support you in any way except for financially and becomes completely abusive. It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. I was in shock between the baby and what was happening. When I got to the point where I was accusing him of what he was doing all I got was deny deny deny. I had no self esteem and was lost. He went to work one day and I bailed. Took me almost seven months to cool down and yeah I’ve had a ton of irrational thoughts. Mostly about his character. He does not understand it was the abuse more than the cheating that gets me. And yeah….I left…and yeah I’m sorry how I did it but at the time I felt I had no choice. I struggle hard with who he is. And yeah I made a ton of assumptions. Very crazy ones at that. 1.5 years later he wants me to understand his pain….without fully telling me what that is….Although I am smart enough to figure this out. However he does not understand mine and uses this logic against me. He still lies to me. Nothing I say can make him understand as he does not want to talk about it. So while I see your point with the article and I understand it and will take into my future relationships….sometimes we are more than justified and this logic is thrown right back at us. Very frustrating and makes us not want to understand.

    1. The pain you experienced from that situation is too much. The only thing he can do is deny his part in it, he knows it’s bad and probably doesn’t want to know how bad it really was for you, so he naturally wouldn’t want to listen to you. The reason why he would continue to try to get you to understand his pain is to try to bring it to the level you felt so that when the reality hits him of how much he put you through he can try to pretend he had it just as hard. And maybe he knows he can’t match your pain so he has every reason to avoid that conversation completely.

      Sometimes the choices we have available to us is like picking from the lesser of two evils, do you stay and take the abuse and try to make it work or do you leave and deal with what comes. At the end of the day you make a choice and you have to justify it to yourself or live with regret forever. At the end of his day, he did the abusing and the cheating, and he has to justify the choice to himself or live with the regret forever. To justify it to you he may be fishing for forgiveness so that he can live with himself.

      But he knows…he damn well understands it. He doesn’t want to hear it from you because it will crush him.

      1. excellent reply from the author… this article is tough to read for a lot of folks (women), but in a normal relationship, it is absolutely true. Women do need to keep things in perspective and focus on facts. Always verify. Asking questions keeps a real dialogue going, so you don’t get caught up in the inner one.
        Where a line is crossed is when there is abuse. As a female breadwinner experiencing emotionally abusive behavior from my stay at home dad, I can tell you that when he puts his hands on you, or when he truly is ignoring your feelings, you will know. It’s not just an absence of doing nice things for you or saying thank you. It’s when you ask him what he thinks you feel and he says he doesn’t care, like, really, doesn’t care. When you cry about something and he gets angry at you for it. When you’re shut off from talking to anyone, even family. When you dread going home, or him coming home. When every day is a fight just to survive emotionally.
        I wasn’t particularly helped by this post because of the situation I’m in… I could’ve maybe used this advice a few years ago, when I was younger. But now, reading the author’s response above, well, that’s exactly the conclusion I’ve come to about my husband. It’s reaffirming to see that someone else has come to that conclusion.
        “The only thing he can do is deny his part in it, he knows it’s bad and probably doesn’t want to know how bad it really was for you, so he naturally wouldn’t want to listen to you.”
        “But he knows…he damn well understands it. He doesn’t want to hear it from you because it will crush him.”
        That’s it. He probably does know how I feel. He’s very smart. But he’ll never acknowledge it in conversation. To do so somehow means I “win” and he can’t let me have that. Even if all I’m asking for is a shoulder to cry on. Or maybe someone to say “that sucks” if I had a bad day at work. That’s what I really need from him. I’m not even allowed to cry, folks. Not even if what I’m crying about is how he hurt my daughter and I even after I screamed for him to stop.
        It’s beyond the scope of this article, but I would like to add that if you are worried about how a man feels about you, think about your boundaries. Like, personal boundaries. You don’t want to have sex tonight, or you don’t want to have sex in front of your kid (seriously). You like to talk to your mom on Saturday mornings. If he doesn’t respect even simple boundaries, claims to forget them, even seems to work to push your limits beyond where you’re comfortable – well, then, maybe he really doesn’t care about you.

  12. This is the most sexist blog I have ever read, try- understanding women, then maybe they wont seem so illogical to you!. Our brains are wired differently yes, but we have our own rationality and reasons for reaching certain conclusions,this does make our thoughts and beliefs irrational, they are just very different to the way a man thinks and acts, and that’s completely fine. I suggest you learn more about women and then you will get along with them much better….

    1. Well the blog is written by a man if that makes a difference, but then I guess this would be the most sexist comment ever 😉 Any decision that is rooted in deep emotion has a higher probability of being illogical and irrational, the greater the emotion the more that statement becomes true, all that was meant is that men need to understand that women make a lot of decisions based on emotion and feelings rather than on logic and rationality, the wiring difference in our brains is enormous and to begin to understand women we need to stop looking at the decisions they make and the things they do through our lens only and understand that women have a completely different way of arriving at their conclusions.

  13. LOL what?I’m sorry but I had enough taste of BS after the “men are logical creatures” part. If you were so logical you wouldn’t cheat you’d just break up and be a player and screw many women instead of screwing yourself over and hiding shit.
    Men have 3 emotions: angry, sort of sad, and happy. Thats all. Men are FAR from complex and they are abusive emotional shutouts.
    Shutting out your partner is considered mental trauma. Its downright abusive.
    If you dont love her anymore SET HER FREE. There’s no need to play games so you can get her back for being so mean.
    Stop being such a pussy. Sympathy gets you nothing but dog shit. Stop it with the pity party its stupid.

    1. I do believe both sexes are capable of the full range of emotional responses available to human beings. And apart from areas of the brain used to process emotion our brains are also near identical so I would argue that both sees are equally complex. Also men and women cheat at roughly the same frequency and studies have also shown that females are better at concealing infidelity. Women have also been shown to display emotional manipulation/abuse in relationships whilst males more physical abuse. Judging by your response it appears that you’ve had a less than desirable relationship with a man (emphasis on singular and not the entire gender) and you are lashing out at someone for voicing a male perspective on females in relationships. You are free to post any opinion you want but you can hardly call B.S on one opinion and display your own which is riddled with opinion topped with a lavish helping of B.S

  14. I happened upon this article and Im not sure whats more interesting…. the article or the comments. I myself have been with my guy for seven months now. I see him once a week. We’ve been out on one date…. our first. None since. When we do see each other once a week we catch up on every single tv show known to man that he has downloaded. Sometimes order a pizza. Ive asked him if we can do something else… anything…. go for a.walk, see a movie id even pay, just something other than another night in those four walls. but he’s tired as he suffers from insomnia, has a bad back so cant be out for long periods of time but puts in daily workouts at the gym. He is going through some stressful life changes, and ive offered every bit of my support. Ive asked how he is feeling. If he wants to talk. Ive been an ear when he needs it. And as i have my own life stresses, I have been offered no such courtesy. As he can come across as reluctant to see me during the week because hes tired not feeling well doesnt wanna go out… is just going to relax as opposed to have me over, I broke my rule of texting with a we need to talk tone. I said that there was some things that were upsetting me and that I just wanted to talk tonhim about. He wrote back that there is nothing wrong with us and that here I go again” (I did to talk to him face to face last weekend, expressing that my thoughts and feelings are just as important and I want to be able.to.open up to him and feel as though Im unable.to because when he says things like you worry for nothing, it belittles my feelings and comes across as unimportant to him how I feel in this relationship, something in that conversation he apologized for and moving forward would be aware.of) “Im stressing for nothing and I sure as f*ck dont need that in my life”. I was floored! Here I am trying to be open and honest about how im feeling, something that is very difficult for me and im working on so by saying so im feeling awfully brave and proud of myself…. and then to have someone I love and care for so.deeply refer.to how I feel as stress they dont need in their life.. I told him recently that I wanted to talk to him when he was free and today he called to talk about it, I told him Id rather discuss relationship stuff in person but he was adamant about not doing this any other way while he is at home and feeling under the weather, which I offered to talk to him about it when hes better but he wouldn’t have it. I should probably.point out we live MAYBE a ten minute drive from each other. Once a week. We arent oceans apart or anything.Ive never met any of his friends, or family. But he says im his whole world im his everything and im his life partner and always tells me he misses me and loves me, he keeps telling me not yet when i suggest he meet any of the people in my life. He makes his own hours as he is self employed, and I see more effort going into his downloading shows to watch than efforts to even discuss a future with me. If anyone here reading this were.to.ask me what his goals.are…. I dont know. We do t talk like that. Its all small tAlk here and there and when I try to talk about things like this it gets in the way of tv time and all.of the sudden its/im a major inconvenience…. or feels that way I should say. Dont get me wrong i love to cuddle.with my man, but seven months and never a night out. I see him once a week. Feels lonely in this relationship. I never thought id be seeking out opinions from the cosmic void, but when he isn’t answering my texts for.hours (sleeping or whatever he is up to) i can let it go, topics that to meare.personal and could have reprecussions posted.to fb that affect peoples.lives when he doesnt have all the facts yet is ok (a.topic that I felt I was important enough to him for him to tell me directly and not have me find out on fb) but i made a comment and ended it with ill love you always and he admitted to deleting it because “they dont need to know who im f*cking” ….. I thought we were more than that to each other. I just want to be heard, to know that I can call and have my feelings heard, to be understood, for some.relationship solidarity in knowning itll be ok, What makes me cry still is having those words said that my feelings was.stress he doesnt need in his life. How can you love someone and say that? And for someone like me who has made.mistakes in past relationships of bottling up (something i was ho est about when we first started dating)and im making a real effort to be open….. how does hearing that from your “partner” make you want to open up to them again in the future? Feeling so lost.

    1. This man does not treat you as anything but a f*** buddy. Wake up. He only needs you once a week. Other times he has more important things to do. Sad but you need to move on if this not what you want. You don’t have to drop him right away, but should start seeing others – he will either start to value you more or let you go, which could be a blessing – no point being locked into such relationship.

  15. I was actually reading this due to a situation that was quite complex but had to leave it at the end and say I lost interest in the argument or article when it started using the term f……. And it seems instead like an article of someone who thinks he knows all the answers to relationship and human emotions and complexities but failed to use language that is acceptable in all societies. So not impressive and lacking ettiquette to be taken seriously. Ps. It’s not a novel it states it’s an article but oh boy do you need to go and retrain in your education in the manner you execute and impart advice.

  16. Your an idiot. My man is almost perfect I tell him every day and I’m everything a man would want. We are equals in every way. Except when it comes to me needing emotional support. If he Fuchs up and upsets me he just leaves me alone, checks out, doesn’t talk to me until I’m beyond the issue and am just mad that he didn’t care enough to try and cheer me up. When I fuck up, I will own it, as he does. I will also scheduled up, make sure he’s okay, be extra sweet and try to cheer him up. I have tried soon had to show him and help him be more emotionally supportive. He seems to get it. All is good for weeks until, bam. A relationship issue arises and again I’m left to pick myself up. I’m getting pretty sick of being the sunshine in cloudy days. I don’t expect the magic fairy to fly out his assistant and sprinkle me with rainbows, but a “he baby how are you feeling, everything will be okay, let me make you smile. Hmm sounds pretty simple! It’s not. And he is so intelligent and one of the greatest personalities I’ve ever met, great dad and parent. But he’s ducked when it comes to women’s emotions. 2 failed marriages, now he want to marry me. Not going to happen unless he can improve. Not even 100 percent, I’d take 10, at least it be a step towards showing me my negative feelings such as, worries, fear, anger and frustration matter.

  17. Wow, I think a lot of the angry comments from other women are pretty funny. Don’t get me wrong, I can completely see why some took this as a sexist article. But I think most of these women are being overly defensive. This is a man writing about how men think. He’s not trying to get into a woman’s head, he’s saying this is how men see us. Obviously not all men see us the same way, but I think he has some valid points. I don’t know many women who don’t do the internal dialogue thing. And let’s be honest, we really can drive ourselves crazy with that stuff. The overall message of the article is the same – good communication is the only way a relationship can work. Without it, you’re both just having internal dialogue and reacting to each other based on that dialogue in your heads. I enjoyed the article. It was a bit in your face, but some of us need that.

  18. These are things I have been trying to get fixed for a while. But you just explained them well better than I have ever. Thank you for confirming that I am not crazy for feeling the way that I feel. Satan Talk is REAL.

  19. The second part of this article (everything under “It’s Just Business”) contains a lot of excellent advice, but the first part is extremely sexist. I’ll use your response to gwaziii to explain what I mean.

    Throughout the first part of the article, you hold the base assumption that men understand women’s feelings, but that women only feel the way they do because they have faulty self-talk. However, when you responded to gwaziii about her experience, you were very thoughtful and insightful about the man she was dealing with. You approached your interpretation of his situation with a different default assumption: that his feelings make sense, even if his reactions hurt gwaziii.

    I’ll take your first example from the article as an exercise to show why this seems sexist. In the example, a woman is upset because her husband came home late. You gave a lengthy example of the woman’s self-talk, in which she thinks about how he has never been late before and how his secretary is attractive, so she is worried he is cheating. That, right there, is enough for any human to see why she might feel insecure. If something out of the ordinary happens, and you have been told your whole life that something out of the ordinary can indicate cheating, and you know that he is around an attractive woman all day, where exactly is the lack of logic? That is a straight A-B-C pattern. Now, her logic may be based on flimsy information, but it is hardly a woman problem to make assumptions based on flimsy facts. Most men in the same situation would also feel insecure.

    Now, let’s say she doesn’t “explode” on her husband the next day. Let’s say she simply expresses that she feels insecure about him coming home late two nights in a row. If her husband reacts by explaining why he was late and making an effort to tell her in advance next time, then she will probably feel like he cares about her feelings. However, if he tells her that she is making a big deal over nothing, then she will rightly feel like he is ignoring her feelings.

    The vast majority of people, men and women alike, are logical. Even people who frequently jump to conclusions can admit when they are being irrational – especially if you wait for them to calm down. By saying that a woman forms her feelings based on illogical thoughts, you absolve yourself of the responsibility to understand why she feels the way she does. You might know what insecurity feels like, and you might see that she feels insecure, but by assuming that she has no “real” reason to feel that way, you are guaranteeing that you don’t understand how she feels.

    My advice to men is to stop treating women like a foreign species. The differences between a male and a female brain are inconsequential. Your wife or girlfriend is just as capable of logic as you are, and you are just as capable of emotional understanding as she is. Meet each other half way.

  20. Everything you said was apt. I really weave my own thoughts and feel dejected in the end…But I want to ask you this,…if my boyfriend of 4 years has started behaving more feelingless or so to say “more rational and logical” after finding another girl ,who is “bold and logical”, and whom he likes! then could this rationality be an attempt to shoo me off? how could i not relate each of his posts and status lines with something stinking fishy? How can i not imagine things when he doesent call me and when he answers my calls he talks so dryly…? how can i believe that i am not an option but a priority…?
    i am really distressed…he says he loves me, and says he likes her….he says he feels happy with her, and tells me that he does not care for anyone’s feelings, not even mine.I have spent many sleepless nights in these 3 weeks, and my eyes have cried a lot. When I tell him my state he rudely tells me to shut my mouth and hangs up the phone; He says I cry too much and that i am immature and childish….
    I fail to see any rationality…when i read your words, it seemed to me like he has written this, but then the predominant use of the word “fuck” in your article helped me reach to the conclusion otherwise.
    Help me please…I really am in need of it.

    1. Violet, from your brief explanation his actions don’t seem to be logical or rational. It seems he has shut down with you and is riding the euphoria wave with this other woman and infatuation. The way he is acting is similar to the way a lot of men act when they are heading into one of those mid-life crisis. He currently has tunnel vision and has shut himself down. There are psychological words for this that aren’t coming to mind right now, but it’s kind of like a disillusionment redirected into enchantment. Where he devalues you and what you had and redirects that energy into an enchantment or basically has himself tricked into believing this new girl is the answer to all his problems. In some time, maybe weeks, months, or years, the spell will break, but you can’t beat yourself up in the mean time. I have no idea what your history is together. One way to break the enchantment is to move on with your life, if you want to test the waters, stop trying to contact him and start going on dates, when he gets wind of what you’re doing, the enchantment breaks and he will come back to senses, at that point you can see if he’s really trying to shoo you off or if he’s just having a mental breakdown.

  21. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions since my boyfriend and I moved in together. I find that for a while now he constantly corrects everything I say and do. Tonight I came home and the A-hole who parks between me and my man decided to take both parking spaces so he need to come down to move the cars around. While he was trying to slip his smaller car into the minimal space he stopped and I asked “Can you not fit?” He yelled at me Quiet! So I stopped talking and then of course got angry and then started mind fucking myself. I mean yes, it was uncalled for but when he got upstairs he tried to explain that he was worried he might have hit the other car and that I distracted him. I then was passive agreasive stating, its fine and then when he sauntered off to bed I begain to cry like I usually do until I noticed your article. Which put things into perspective, maybe I was the one not respecting his feelings. He’s working a lot of hours and now has a bad cold on top of that and just as he’s about to go to sleep I message him asking him to come down and fix an issue. Either way, I whipped my tears and went into the bedroom and appoligized for not understanding his feelings. Told him we were fine and that I hope he would feel better. When I left he told me he loved me.
    So thank you.
    I’ll try to keep this in perspective for future conversations. Dealing with how men think is just as much a challenge I’m sure as dealing with how women think for you. Lol

    Thanks again

  22. I empathize with everyone’s comments – I strongly suggest you and your significant other read John Gray’s “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.” It explains a LOT about the differences between how men and women think, feel, react, and communicate. A lot of arguments between men and women are simply due to misunderstandings because we are so different. Thomas’ blog is a colorful way of stating how men think and feel, and as a woman, it is valuable to know that. Men also need to understand how women think and feel and attempt to meet them half way for a relationship to work.

  23. Everyone of you should stop reading shitty EDITORIALS! Please pick up a copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
    This book offers a much less idiotic form of advice. It’s geared toward both women and men Equally. Relationships are a two way street. Obviously the author on this site had way too many negative experiences; and possibly may be narcissistic 😮
    Hey author dude! Thanks for portraying women’s personalities as hysterical beasts!! I always wondered what the early 1900’s would have been like! Check your self.

    1. Haha, best comment ever, would it help if I told you I’ve read that book and probably a hundred more on relationships? You could have at least included an affiliate link if you’re going to promo a book.

  24. Ok. I really needed this article today. Thomas Van. Why have I not heard of you before. I fucking love your approach. While this article didn’t really help me today, it will another time. I sent it to my husband who is definitely a logical creature with zero common sense.

    Where can I find more of your stuff and how do I make an appointment?

  25. You make some really great points. I agree for the most part and my boyfriend and I have both been on each sides of this. The only thing is that you are describing on type of communication style. I am sure your ex acted this way and many people do you seem like you are angry with something. Everyone on this planet does this, I dont care who you are, you would not understand it more would you have that much insight into it if you, yourself did not make this mistake yourself. A a relationship counselor, I can kind of read between the lines here. You say you may anger some people mostly women in general by saying this stuff and it may seem wrong or rude or whatever you wrote but you intended to continue to write your feelings anyway…your mind was telling you “hey dude, this may offend some people, it seems a little one-sided” why was it telling you that? maybe because you know deep down inside that you know you are only speaking from your own experience and for your peers. Your unaware that Women and Men are really on different planets, and they will never see anything perfectly the same no matter how much you want women to act the way you think they should. You are simply in denial and cannot accept the fact that worry is such a normal reaction in a relationship when you love someone and im sorry but if someone is acting different then their normal character and the other person feels like somethings off whether it be an insecurity or nothing at all….if the other person does not think anything is wrong, their is no right or wrong way to approach this conversation coming from the worriers side because the person will never know where it is coming from because no one is a mind reader and no man, no matter how perfectly she communicates her fears will not be blindsided by this surprise fear. If you would like to learn more about relationships and communication styles I think you should read “men are from mars, women are from Venus” a classic and maybe you will stop posting to women you want them to stop acting like human beings. Good luck with your next girlfriend. sorry your last one made you so angry you had to waste your time here.

  26. It’s called been a sociopath manipulation without guilt blaming the significant other like its there weakness when you can change like a chemoleon and not care for there needs

    Google it phycopath, narccasic persosnslity disorders based on manipulation in relationships

  27. meh… it is all good and perfectly logical, until HE has hurt feelings and HIS thoughts are running crazy.
    It is surprising how vage and frankly bs male answers can be to straight & regular questions … why? because his mind is now racing and making up all sort of scenarios in his head.
    But another logical thing I learned is: when HER mind runs along – it is unfair and judgmental. When HIS races mind around – he is merely applying experience and “knows” what’s up.. but that is not pre-judgement in any ways.
    Right 😉

  28. Haha, you think you are so right! What’s life without loving and caring about each other? A miserable existance where taking care of physiological needs is all you both do. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs it is the lowest stage. A man who thinks that providing for material needs is all he needs to do to show love to his partner is simply lacking intelligence. Some higher level human needs are to feel loved, to feel safe, to belong or feel heard and feel appreciated and accomplished. None of those fall in the realm of ‘logical’ when put up against the first stage if needing food and clothes right? A woman’s emotional reactions should logically lead a man to conclude that he is falling short in those areas. Women automatically provide emotional support to men and when they are not reciprocated, women feel robbed, unhappy with their men, even demanding as last attempt to give him a chance to step up hus game. He can feel all righteous, but in the end, ignoring a woman’s feelings snd even calling them ‘illogical’ is just a sign of a man not ready to be in a relationship with a woman. He needs to get hos heart broken a bunch more times up that learning curve.

  29. What an idiotic article clearly written by an idiotic man. Looking for logic in FEELINGS?!?! Is this seriously an article? The 2 clearly contradict.

    And the ending?!? Come on…. does it matter if men agree with how women got to that point of feeling???? Who cares if you think we’re overreacting? Does it change the feeling? Of course not. And so you’re point is…..what?

  30. WTF, of course your not upset because someone died and you don’t know about it. It’s not thinking about it that hurts you its finding out. So if I don’t think about my BF ignoring me or disrespecting me it must not be true, Great I just don’t think about it…. Why didn’t I think of this before… Oh right, because I’m not supposed to think.
    How about you guy’s just quit slacking off. If you start or do something in the beginning of a relationship that sets a tone. That is the person we chose to be with. When you decide we’re hooked and you quit doing those particular things. We get unhappy. You have a few choices either don’t start behaviors you don’t want to continue long term, or deal with us complaining you have changed when you stop said behaviors, or just keep doing what you did to get us in the first place. Whatever you choose take responsibility for your part in this.

  31. I have this problem with guys who are friends and sometimes I’ll end the friendship if things are really bad like right now my friend isn’t really giving me much respect he’s always out with his stupid girlfriend so I’m pretty much ending the friendship soon if nothing changes

  32. There’s a way to explain things
    But this guy sounds pissed.
    It’s never a one way thing, your making it sound a girl should not do anything when he treats her bad she should assume the best and ask him. thats where all the time she has been played. In the end she sees she was right. Or used, abused
    Imagine ur vulnerable daughter comes to you and says dad I’m upset cos I feel he don’t care,
    Your gona think is he really being a asshole? Or blame her for assuming without asking, she asks him and comes back to you and says he said this, then the scenario repeats
    She’s upset again, it’s bad gut feelings
    He should put in effort so should she, and if he don’t know his girl well he’s not the one she can be safe with

    The article however it’s okay but I don’t agree with it completely and this guy sounds like a typical asshole, if u scroll to the bottom the pic gives away a guy sleeping with 3 girls
    And says “winning”
    Well good luck to ur daughter when she comes to men like you that can destroy her. You won’t be laughing (Y)

  33. I’m a woman and my dad raised me for the most part. He taught me how to drive (And believe me…..I would rather drive than have a girl friend of mine behind the wheel TRUST ME ON THAT)
    My experience with men is that they are not infallible in respect to having insecurities. However, men’s insecurities are different from women’s. I’d be interested in getting a man’s point of view.


  34. problem with this article is it is slanted. There is no genuine insight into the female/other perspective. Either m or f could be fitting for the black and white roles set out here.
    There is actually a logic to how someone Satan talks themselves. And that is where there needs to be patience and understanding and empathy …just the slightest bit of that goes a VERY long way. A different way of thought is not wrong. It is a very hard thing for guys to step over that ego threshhold. And it takes someone with some humility to do so. And some guys dont get that. And never the tween shall meet.

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