Expectations drown relationships. Failure to meet expectations has ended a large percentage of relationships. The longer the relationship lasts, the more expectations you’ll have. Every additional expectation increases the chances your partner will fail to meet them.
Therefore, the chance of becoming single increases significantly with every new expectation.
It takes a strong person and a lot of focus to not to be so demanding or needy in a relationship. Unfortunately, most people in relationships are not strong people to begin with. They will oftentimes ignore or downplay how needy and dependent they are becoming.
Expectations increase so gradually over time that it’s hard to see the change unless you compare the beginning to the end. Because of how gradual it is, the other person ends up tolerating far more control and neediness than they would have without realizing it.
Eventually, they wake up and see how bad things have really gotten.
When you first meet someone you have no expectations. It’s safe to say the only expectation you might have is that they are alive and human — sometimes that expectation is too much to ask.
On your first date, you have no idea what to expect. Eventually you start to learn about this person. Eventually you decide to move in together. Eventually you expect them to have a job, to take out the trash, to make you happy, to be there on Wednesdays, to be at your kids dance competitions, to go back to school, to work on bettering your lives, and it doesn’t stop there.
Eventually they are no longer another person to you, but rather, an extension of yourself.
Now you want them to get a better job to make “us” more money. Or go back to school so that “we” can have a better life. Or find a new job in a different location so that “we” can move. It shifts from you and I to us and we.
Pretty soon you just simply depend on them for almost everything. The expectations are so high and so many that there isn’t a single person alive that could maintain them or keep you happy for very long, but that doesn’t stop you from making demands. You may not even realize how demanding you’ve become because it happened so gradually.
Next, you start judging that person when they don’t meet your expectations. Simple things like, “Why don’t you start helping out and take out the trash”.
Then you start to feel like you do more or they owe you something, “You can’t even take out the trash and I’m at work all day, running the kids from here and there, and you can’t even take out the trash.”
Name calling and insults start that have nothing to do with the issues. “You’re a loser”, “You’re pathetic”, and “I hate you.” starts to frequent your conversations. You start to use phrases that begin with “You never” or “You always” or “Just for once I wish” or “All I ask” or “You only had one job”.
Smaller arguments turn into bigger arguments, more expectations get dropped, and at least one person stops caring. They either take to drinking or start ignoring you. Sometimes they run off and do whatever they want without considering you.
It builds, and eventually you have no choice but to end the relationship in order to save lives and your sanity.
This is the relationship cycle for the majority of people. The speed at which it progresses really depends on how big of a person you really are, how understanding you are, how accepting you are, and how unconditionally loving you are.
At any given point and time in this cycle you can realize what you’re doing and what you’re expecting of your partner and take a step back, otherwise you’ll continue to your own destruction instead of delaying the inevitable.
Relationships end because you do not accept or understand the other person. Your love is actually conditional instead of unconditional — true love is unconditional.
What if you had the same expectations from the day you met them till the day you died? No matter how in love you are, what if you only expected them to be alive? What if you had no expectations at all and your love crossed over with them when they died?
What if no matter what is going on in your life you respond with respect, love, and kindness?
This is called true love.
Imagine if you let go of your neediness, dependencies, and expectations. Imagine if you just let what happens…happen.
There are obvious mistakes a lot of people make along the way that destroy them.
Moving in together is the root cause of relationship dysfunction. Combining living space and your household bills can create way too many expectations. The biggest problem is an expectation that you will not be inconvenienced by the move in.
As magically as you want to pretend moving in together is, let’s face the facts — you WILL be inconvenienced.
If you can’t handle it, then don’t move in together or buy condos next door instead so you can maintain your freedom and independence. Not living together has nothing to do with commitment, happiness, or love. In fact, not moving in together has been shown to increase all of that as you’re not in each others faces 24 hours a day.
How annoying does it get when the dishes aren’t done, the toilet seat is left up, someone is playing loud music when you want to watch a movie, and the list of household nuisances goes on.
But if you had your own house, you’d still have your own independence from other people encroaching on your space.
Moving in together just results in less space and if you spend too much time in the same house you’re going to eventually drive each other crazy. One person might be a clean freak, one person might need quiet time and the other loud, and one person might not like your hobbies or activities. Your computer, your tv, your man cave or woman cave, may not have an appropriate set up or be setup at all as the other persons things intrude upon your space.
If you find yourself heading down this path and running into the problems above, I hope you read this article in time to fix it by fixing yourself.
Thank you for this article it is quite enlightening……..I think for relationships of any kind to work out there is indeed a need to kill expectation.
If something unexpected is done then it becomes a pleasant surprise and gratitude must follow….but if nothing is done then it will be ‘no hard feelings’ because it wasn’t expected in the first place so there is nothing really to compare with………..
Now what l would like to see is an article on ‘How to kill that expectation’ so there is a way forward……
from Nto…..
First of all I just knew this article was written by a man…. there are some very sexest undertones going on here. But I won’t address that here. What I will say is expectations don’t ruin relationships people do. That is like saying guns kill people. There are normal expectations every human will have in any relationship. It is a deep part of our psyche from infancy. We are taught to expect our mother to feed us which is why we cry. And there is nothing wrong with that. As well as there is absolutely nothing wrong with having NORMAL expectations of the people around you. This world couldn’t operate if no one expected anything from anyone else! We build relationships based on expectations. But it’s the way we deal with the situation when someone does not fill an expectation that counts. This article talks about some unrealistic expectations that border control and abuse. That is not normal and healthy. But I have to literally roll my eyes as taking out the garbage is used as an example. This was a dead giveaway to a male author. A spouse (man or woman) is completely normal to expect their spouse to follow through on taking out the trash if that is what they have AGREED upon. So if a agreement is made it is only certain expectation that it be done is absolutely normal. Now here is the part that makes or breaks a relationship; reaction to broken expectations. That’s where the focus should be. After all it is inevitable that expectations will be broken from time to time. It is how well you handle the situation that counts. Yelling, blaming, etc is a no brained not the correct reaction. But questioning the lack of fulfillment is fine. Two people sitting down discussing the expectations and what happened and possibly making new agreements if needed to resolve the situation. But let’s talk about the kind of person who is asking them to have no expectations of them. Does this mean I am in fact asked to marry someone and love someone that I never expect them to love me, be honest with me, do their best to contribute to our family and household to the best of their ability? Well that’s ludicrous and people just don’t operate that way. A relationship is about agreements and if one person wants free reign to just do whatever they want with no consequences then that person is very selfish and not a optimal mate for anyone.
Great response!
True, applause!
What an amazing message. I don’t believe having some expectations in a relationship is a bad thing. If we continue to lower our expectations, then one day you’ll wake up and realize you expect absolutely nothing from your partner. Isn’t that sad?
The real expectations I focus on, is my own expectations about what I intended to be in the process of jorney of my life. And before, I want to continue any kind relationship, I have to be clear that another individual is on the same page with me, meaning that the other person has to except me for who ever I am and don’t try to change me. Secondary, why don’t we
extablish what we really want out the relationship, which I know it’s a partnership, before we drug it for so long with opposing our expectations on another, and finally lose our sanity and peace of mind. It’s better be along then be in the bad company.
Victoria, your feminist rage towards men becomes less and less significant with each passing year, for even the white knights who cater to such practices, are just as shallow as another man when it comes to age.
Having said that, assuming heterosexuality, a man should never be judged by his expectations and a woman should never be judged by her beauty. Yet your response suggests its ok to place higher and higher expectations on a man. Neither behavior is appropriate.
I cannot help but agree with Victoria Roberts. That’s objective and practical.
this page changes my life. Thank you so much, i’m having tears in my eyes while writing this feedback.
FWIW, I hadn’t noticed this was written by a man. I happen to be a woman in a long-term, hetero relationship and found myself nodding in agreement with most of the article.
At the same time, Victoria makes a key point that the problem isn’t the expectations themselves, but a lack of communication and mutual agreement about those expectations.
I think it might be more accurate to identify the problem as *assumptions* that are projected into the partner without involving them in the process of building the relationship together.
I know we blame social media for everything but in reality it really does ruin alot of relationships. Expectations are now coming from a facebook page with girlfriends getting dimonds and flowers from their boyfriends or celebrities getting bought million dollar cars for their birthday. We rely souly on social media to create our expectations, girls thinking he doesnt love them because he didnt put a love heart on his text goodnight or because he didnt bring her coffee in the morning. Relationship expectations are becoming so stereotypical that it’s ruining the real meaning relationship, to be with someone you care about and want to make happy not to shower them with gifts and post them on your Instagram.enough is enough.
I had a true love, but things got so bad we fought on every phone call, i had to end the relation. So i guess its too late now but i don’t know how to go back and fix it even if i wanted to.
Well said victoria👏
Thank you so much. You saved my relationship
Fantastic article, despite its feminist detractors.