A lot of people make the mistake of telling their spouses or significant other that their kids are their first priority, even over them. In a lot of ways this is a misguided and dangerous position to take, not just for your marriage or relationship, but for your kids as well.
Kids are not your property, they do not belong to you and never will. From a legal standpoint you are their guardian guiding them through life and making decisions that they are not “old enough” to make. From a religious or spiritual standpoint you did nothing more than serve as a gateway to bring a new life to this planet.
In both cases your job and role is to oversee and guide them when necessary. It is not to control their lives because you own them or because you have given up on your happiness and instead have taken your kids lives hostages to occupy yourself and pretend they bring you happiness. Happiness is found within, not without. It is not external to you.
In all instances, children through every stage of life are perfect, the way they were intended to be. They are not adults in training, in fact, most adults have a lot to learn from children. They are full of creativity, joy, and have no limits. Unfortunately, it’s the parents and school systems that beat the creativity out of them and set limits for them.
It is understandable that parents want to defend and protect their children and any parents I know would stand in front of a train to save their childs life. This is not questionable, but this does not mean that children should be your primary relationship over your spouse or significant other.
Let’s get one thing straight. The only reason you have children is because you made them with a spouse or significant other. In what reality would your spouse agree to have children with you if they were going to serve as a replacement for him/her?
Let’s face it. Children grow up, they move out, and they get in their own primary relationships. After at least 18 years of being in a relationship with your spouse where he/she is secondary to your children, that’s if you make it that long, what happens when your children are young adults and leave? Are you going to continue to baby them?
They move on and they move passed you, it’s the way of life.
The person who helped bring your children into the world is now staring back at you, it’s just the two of you, and you realize for the first time in a long time, that you have no idea who this person really is. You don’t know what to do with each other, the relationship has long been dead and mistreated.
Most relationships where a parent makes the children their priority don’t last very long at all, the divorce rate is significantly higher as is infidelity. Sorry folks, but your spouse has needs and if you aren’t fulfilling them they will find a way to fulfill them without you, whether it’s a physical or emotional need. While you were replacing them with their children, they have replaced you with someone else. And if they haven’t and decided to tough it out, rest assured they no longer depend on you as much as they used to, they may hardly notice you’re even there anymore.
Your kids grew up, but your marriage didn’t grow at all. Many people face this at some point in their lives.
Understand that the well being of your children is directly related to the well being of your marriage. Being in a loving and nurturing marriage allows your kids to grow up getting to experience what a loving relationship looks and feels like.
When you baby them or over nourish them they miss out on the opportunity to be independent and responsible allowing them to be better adults and stand on their own two feet. Some may need you their entire lives. Want your kid to live with you forever? Then the first step is to make them a priority over your spouse.
When you ignore your spouse or significant other for your children it puts the marriage at an odd-end and children oftentimes leave the home feeling hopeless that they can be in a loving and fulfilling relationship. The emotional scars go far beyond what most people even realize. These children end up with a series of short-lasting relationships and can never seem to settle down.
So while you think your kids need to be the top priority in your lives, realize that you may be causing more harm than good. Don’t neglect your primary relationship with your spouse or significant other, after all, they are who is going to grow old with you. When you’re old and need companionship or help it’s your spouse that will be there for you.
Besides, kids are more than 90% likely to put you in a nursing home and visit you once a year, maybe even higher. Don’t push the person you wanted to spend forever with away from you!
Having a good relationship with your spouse and raising children are not mutually exclusive. The art of balancing marriage, career, and child rearing requires a fine tuned machine that means sometimes sacrificing our own needs and desires for the good of others.
Families are strengthened by respect and understanding. I have never looked at my kids and marriage as “putting one before the other”. They are all part of the same ball of wax. My role as a wife and mother are so intertwined. Sometimes my husband has had to take the back burner to my kids. Sometimes I have had to take the back seat to my husbands career.
In the end, we are not all getting our needs met 100% of the time. Sometimes on only 50%, sometimes 10%. For me, it is about growing up and realizing that no body can meet your “needs” all the time.
When you are out of position you can not be the best at the talent you have been given Why is Alabama football win championships ? They have skilled players at every position and the players no there role You wouldn’t ask a defensive linemen to cover a receiver because he would be out of position he would become weak because his strength is power not speed are quickness . Both players would become frustrated and tired and problems would arise maybe blaming each other , but the problem was they were out of position . And so goes the family Tired frustrated angry Leads to major problems like like able to fulfill our position in life, that could be why there are so many divorces and unhappy marriages. Man was given skills and talents women can’t do And women were given skill and talents men can’t Do God has gifted both man and woman with skills and talents to have a championship team Called the family. The play book is perfect it will make you champions with some dedicated hard work and commitment it’s called the Bible But we have to open the play book before game day are will be confused and maybe go the wrong way because we have an enemy over on the other side with schemes of his own to trip us up . Don’t ever underestimate your opponent and always be prepared for victory
I am pretty much at the end of my marriage because my wife chose to put her child as her priority so much so that I am not allowed by her to have any kind of relationship with her daughter. She has blamed me for not having a relationship with her daughter and says that I married them both and need to get used to the two of them being closed off to me. Affection is nonexistent. Intimacies are thing of the past. If I attempt anything I’m immediately shutdown and always given some lame excuse as to why she won’t “perform “. She blames me for the way things are and says it’s because I’m unhappy with being with them. Damn right I’m unhappy but it’s because I’m the one on the outside of their circle of two. It’s frustrating and I’m always walking on eggshells.