When it comes to people and relationships, both problems and great situations, are met with unequal reactions.
For problems, there are things that are really big problems for one partner but not so much an issue for the other partner and vice-versa.
For great situations, there are things you’ll do for your partner and expect that it will be met with appreciation and enthusiasm only to come to find that they aren’t that big of a deal to your partner.
You’re going to run across both of these scenarios in every relationship, how you respond to them will determine how long you make it.
Your relationship is probably equal, even though you may not think so. There I said it.
I know that you and your partner probably disagree, if you don’t that’s because things are in a state of peace and you haven’t found anything to argue about at the moment.
Enjoy it while it lasts, there always seems to be a storm brewing on the horizon, and when it hits you’re probably going to learn how little you do and how much more your partner does than you (in their mind).
You’re probably going to laugh at the absurdity that comes out of their mouth but these thoughts and feelings are their reality.
One of the biggest problems I run across is that both partners feel like they contribute more than the other partner. They have their reasoning, as faulty and one sided as it may be.
Anytime you think you’re doing more than your partner, you’re absolutely wrong or you’re retarded, you can pick which one you are.
If you’re still in a relationship you’re more than likely wrong about your contribution exceeding that of your partners.
Everybody gives an equal something, although you may be able to score inequality in certain areas, the inequalities are quickly made up for in your mind and in your partners mind through other things.
Relationships must be equal, they will constantly seek equalization in some fashion whether you agree with it or not.
Equality is a simple concept but a complex thing to make happen.
We aren’t all built the same, we don’t think the same, we don’t have the same passions, we aren’t in the same circumstances, we don’t have the same skills, and sometimes we lose temporary control of our lives (if we had any at all in the first place).
If we all had the same needs and thought the same way, it would be a whole different ball game. If we were all in the same position and things could be split down the middle efficiently then it would be easier to judge the equality in a relationship.
But that’s naive thinking which is why we must find balance.
Some people are going to stay home and take care of the kids, some have more education or skills or a better job to earn more money, some people are stronger, some have different interests and hobbies, and this list is endless.
In relationships we tend to do what makes sense. If your wife is a Doctor and you decide only one of you can work and he other has to stay home to take care of the kids, chances are you’re probably staying home.
It wouldn’t make sense to forfeit Doctor pay since we normally form relationships in an effort to better our lives.
This is where things get interesting.
The stay at home dad will end up feeling like he’s contributing more than his doctor wife and his wife will feel like she’s contributing more because she’s taking care of them financially. Each person feels like they are doing more because they are involved in their own little niche of responsibilities in the relationship and they don’t know and probably shouldn’t try to trade-off responsibilities from niche to niche.
These type of inequalities show themselves in chores, kids, money, business, and these are just some of the basic duties of the relationship, or what I call the business side.
Head over into the personal side in a relationship full of feelings, complaining, gifts, intimacy and so much more.
You’ll quickly find each partner has a coping formula although they may not admit to it. The stay at home dad may be willing to do more and ignore some of the complaining up to a point if his intimate needs are being met and the woman might be willing to be more intimate if she comes home to a clean house.
Equality in fine balance, pretty easy right?
But the minute someones needs or expectations aren’t being met, all hell will break lose. The silent agreement they had is off. An argument erupts and each person starts spouting off all the things they do and how their partner doesn’t help them.
If you find yourself feeling like you do more than your partner but you still want to stay in the relationship then it’s time to change your paradigm.
First admit to the fact that in your partners mind, deep down inside when there’s conflict between you two, when push comes to shove, they feel the same way.
Second, accept that and let it go. Don’t even bring it up anymore even when you’re angry or in a fight, that’s like adding fuel to the fire. When you put your partner down they’ll counterattack. Ignore the “I do more than you” complaints if they bring them up, they are meaningless, and if they really felt that way, they’d leave. The fact that they stay means they don’t really believe that or that you really do enough.
Third, examine yourself first before you examine your partner. Make sure that you feel like you really are contributing your fair share. If you aren’t, step it up, be honest with yourself here. Everyone handles pressure and stress differently, some people break really easy, they are weak and fragile. The reason they say they do more than you is because it’s how they feel, they have broken. What they’re really saying is they’ve reached their capacity even if it’s not their fair share.
Fourth, be the stronger person, even if you don’t feel it’s just or equal. Sometimes you gotta choose your fights and the majority of these ones with your partner aren’t worth a shit, save your sanity and energy for another day. I will tell you firsthand that a silent partner is better than a complaining partner. Sometimes you just do whatever the hell they say to keep the peace, it’s better that way.
Fifth, increase the capacity of your Love Tank. Learn to be more appreciative and generous. Learn to let things go and be peaceful. Learn to be silent. When negativity comes your way, be a sponge. Soak it all up and then wring it all out down the drain. Let it go. When you return fire you escalate the conflict. Sometimes it’s better to listen and let the other person vent, you’ll be surprised. They might feel bad and apologize later or give you something special but if you fight back at them, they’ll feel justified and make things worse.
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