As the title says, judgement and expectation are not only a necessity for life, they can be really positive. Even so, they are completely necessary and there is no such thing as living with no judgement or expectation, the only way to achieve such an illusion, is to die.
Simply said in double negatives, “You cannot not live in judgement and expectation.”
Judgement and expectation are truths of life, not just for human beings but for everything.
At a Basic Level
I have reasonable expectations that I will wake up tomorrow because I am healthy and I believe so. If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I will be judged, and if I were alive I would judge myself. People will pass all kinds of judgements, “He was unhealthy, he was over weight, he was in bad shape, he was old”
If I were alive I might say, “I ate too many doughnuts”
This is life. I have an expectation that the Sun will rise tomorrow, I have an expectation to be healthy, and if any of those things don’t happen, my expectations will be shattered, and I will pass judgement. Everyone passes judgement everyday on themselves and others, some people don’t tell others their judgement, this does not make them better than others, to think they are, is a judgement in itself.
To adopt a lifestyle of no judgement or expectations is not only impossible, it’s against our nature and can have catastrophic results on your ability to live.
What is a Judgement?
It’s nothing more than an observation, sometimes mixed in with personal background and experience, from yourself and from others. It exists everywhere always and cannot be otherwise. If you are an Olympic performer, you have judges who expect things out of you and you expect to do well.
If you’re on a jury or in a court room there are expectations and judgements that will be made that day.
A judgement can be used to improve yourself, it doesn’t matter who judges you, you’re more likely to change if you judge yourself because others don’t like to be judged But judging others can have a tremendous positive effect, especially when it’s constructive, also known as constructive feedback. That’s all a judgement is.
Bad Judgements are oftentimes warranted to others who give non constructive feedback, ie, “you suck ass”. It doesn’t tell you what to improve, it just tells you that you didn’t do good and leaves you for yourself to figure out.
Good Judgements are known as constructive feedback or criticism. They oftentimes start with reassurance, “that was pretty good, but try this, or I think you can do this better” followed by details.
Judgements exist always and if you keep reading you’ll see for yourself. If you’re reading, you have an expectation and you’re judging this writing as you go!
What is an Expectation?
An expectation can come in many forms. It is simply what you think you should do and what you think others should do based on a variety of factors below. They are also known as rules, regulations, and laws. Society and humans work off them always. Even tribes have unspoken laws and customs or traditions. Everyone has expectations, big and small.
Like Judgement, it “cannot not exist”. As I illustrated above, everyone has expectations for themselves and others always. It’s a continuum. If you believe that you don’t live in judgement expectation than you are a walking contradiction because that belief in itself is an expectation and a judgement on yourself.
Some are innate and non-verbal, some are societal, others are expressed, others are built by what people say to you. I’ll give examples of each.
Non-Verbal or Innate
Non-Verbal is what happens commonly in relationships and friendships where people are innately satisfying each others expectations without them having to be verbally expressed. This can also be known as innate or natural expectations. There are more examples than will fit in this post. But, if you have a room mate, who knows what half the rent is and pays it each month without you having to ask for it. This is a an innate expectation. You innately expect that a roomate is there to help out in some fashion. If you are married, you expect your wife to do certain things and she mostly will innately.
Covered also in innate expectations are things like: If I plant a seed, I have an innate expectation for it to grow and although you may not verbally express that expectation, it exists.
If I light a cigarette I expect a match to burn and a lighter to light. And when my expectations aren’t met, I pass a judgement. “This lighter sucks” or “these matches are no good”.
You see everything you do has an expectation, it’s why you do anything. If I go to the bathroom I expect my legs will work when I get up and if I get up and they hurt I pass a judgement.
Are you getting the picture?
The world works in expectation and judgement. This isn’t a negative thing. It allows us to improve and correct. If I judge my lighter broken I can buy a new one. If I don’t have any expectations or judgement for a lighter then when I flick it and it doesn’t light I think nothing of it, I don’t buy a new one and I don’t smoke a cigarette, and if you take that down to your base level, you would literally sit there and just die because you have no expectation to live and if you don’t judge yourself and others you can’t fix or improve things that hinder you.
These expectations come from a society comprised of certain values. A christian community may expect everyone to attend church on Sunday. A medical community may expect everyone to give their babies shots or to treat things with drugs. A holistic community may expect things to be done naturally. These are specific communities.
But there is also a general community that thrives off what the “average” or “normal” person should do.
These things affect everything we do.
In a relationship you’ll get:
“you’re not supposed to do that”.
Oh yeah? Why not
“Because it’s not how things work.”
“I don’t know that’s just how normal relationships work.”
These type of values often end in heavy disputes and arguments and lots of judgement. People have societal expectations for how a relationship should run, a marriage, a job, basically there’s societal expectations for everything.
“you shouldn’t miss work to stay home and play video games”
These expectations cause a lot of people to listen to other people when passing their judgements and the judgements are oftentimes very harsh. These expectations don’t matter, what matters is what two people agree on. If you’re societal expectations aren’t being met in a relationship, whether it be a friend or girlfriend etc, then you need to go to the next type of expectation, which is expressed expectations.
Whatever you do, stay away from Societal Expectations, you just put yourself in a group and let the group define who you are, what you should do, and who you should hang out with. It gives you fake values that you didn’t attribute to yourself, resulting in a fake “normal” person.
I got news for you, there is no such thing as a normal person, just a bunch of people pretending to acknowledge and follow an arbitrary set of standards that no one in particular even set.
Verbally Expressed Expectations
These are very common in relationships and are actually necessary to have a nice successful and happy relationship. Only to a certain point will you ever find anyone that innately meets your expectations. The longer you’re around anyone, the more you see your expectations not being met, and the more you’ll innately judge. But you’re always judging even if you think you aren’t. Judgement “never not exists.” Keeping quiet does, but you’re always judging. Even if you look at someone and say “move the fuck around” or I don’t want you part of my life, you passed a judgement on them due to an expectation that wasn’t met or you judged that they couldn’t meet an expectation you had without even giving them a chance.
So when you’re in a relationship or interacting with a person, it’s best to put your expectations out up front or that other person will fail you 10 out of 10 times at some point.
It’s not hard, if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, lay down what you expect of a boyfriend/girlfriend, they will return with their expectations, you’ll discuss it, and if you agree proceed, if not move on. It’s not hard. This is not control or manipulation, these are two people laying out expectations to avoid negative judgements in order to co-op or co-exist in a healthy environment and relationship.
This is good to do with everyone, roomates, etc.
What do you think a job is?
A job is an expectation. They expect you to show up to work, work a certain period, and do certain things. Your judgement, or how well you perform, results in pay.
An expectation is a job, a judgement is your salary or compensation. It’s that simple. If you fail to meet expectations you get a judgement which is meant to improve you. “Don’t show up late to work it’s not accepted” allows you to show up on time and gives you a warning. “You’re fired.” Means you failed to meet expectations.
And from your stand point, you expect that if you meet their expectations that you will be compensated. It’s a natural order, expectations, then judgements, or what you’re doing and how well you did.
If you work at a day spa, you’re expected to show up and perform and you are judged on your attitude and your performance. You also expect to be paid and you judge them on how much they pay you and how they treat you.
You can’t live with no judgement or expectation and do just about anything but besides sit there and even if you do that, you have an expectation and you’re judging.
This is innately how humans are programmed to work, it’s an innate brain function. It’s how we made all the technological improvements in life, it’s how we got to the point we are at now. Someone judged something and said “hey this sucks I can make it better.”
“I’m tired of walking it’d be easier if we could just fly”
It works this way in school too
Your coursework, assignments, etc are all laid out for you with expectations and guidelines. Your judgement is your grade, how well you did.
While you’re at your job you pass judgements. If you make $200 a night waitressing you judge it a good night, if you make $35 it’s judged a bad night. You have expectations for your customers and your customers have expectations for you. They expect good service, you expect nice tips.
Expectations Based on What You’re Told
And finally, the last section of expectations, and this one is responsible for most of all human conflict. It’s written about extensively all over in many books and on the internet. Everyone hates it when it happens to them (there’s a societal judgement for you).
So someone tells you they are going to meet you at so and so and they don’t show up. Was it reasonable for you to have an expectation? Yes! All you did was take what someone told you, which is what that person expected for themselves, and you expected what they expected. If they expected to show up at 7pm then you accept their expectations and make it an expectation of your own. You also expect yourself to show up at 7pm.
So you show up and they don’t? Is it fair to say you shouldn’t have had that expectation? Absolutely not. Will you judge them? Yes you will. You will judge them up and down all day long the only difference is you may not say anything..right away at least. Eventually you’ll get tired of being stood up and you’ll dismiss them or snap. This is a judgement being passed. You might think they are a worthless piece of shit or aren’t worth your time and you might not tell them that, but remember, if you don’t at least offer them constructive feedback, they have no way to fix the situation.
They might not even realize they are doing something wrong and that you are getting tired of it. Be courteous and before you dismiss someone say to them, “I don’t appreciate you not showing up on time when we agree to a time, it bothers me substantially, and I’m not going to agree to meet you anywhere anymore because of it”
They will either say okay, or they will apologize. Most of the time they will say they are sorry and they will actually show up from that point on. But if you never verbally expressed a failure in an expectation they set for themselves and passed that judgement to tell them what you dislike, remember, judgements are only observations of your reality, then they never had a chance to fix it. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person, in fact, I would probably say if you don’t judge someone before kicking them out of your life, you are kind of worthless yourself. There’s my judgement on you.
If someone says they are going to move in with you, or if someone says they love you, do you have an expectation that they will love you and move in with you? Yes, you do. And if any of those expectations fail, will you judge them? Yes you will. 10 out of 10 times.
If someone promises you anything you will set an expectation, if you lower your expectations its because you have passed a judgement on them already.
If a shady guy across the street that you never met before says meet me here at so and so I got something for you, there’s a pretty good chance that you may expect them not to show up at all. As you progress through relationships with people, your expectations for and of them will increase.
As you integrate your life with someone, you’ll have even more expectations. It could be taking out the trash or doing your share on something. They become innate at some point. Whenever disagreements erupt its from a failed expectation, if it’s not discussed, there’s no way to fix it and people go separate ways while being bitter and not understanding. This is a human tragedy that’s avoidable. Two people could be have a happy flawless relationship if they had just taken the time to verbally express their expectations.
To avoid a lot of conflict, first acknowledge judgement and expectations are part of life, then acknowledge the best way to co-op with another human being is to lay out any expectations you have as well as structure your judgements as constructive feedback. Don’t go around calling people names or avoiding people without telling them what they did wrong. You’re just passing problems down the road.
In their next friendship or relationship they won’t have the ability to correct the problem. Even if you tell them they might not fix the problem or see it as one, but after they’ve had the same thing reoccur over and over again, they’ll eventually get the picture. Otherwise, they’ll end up going through their entire life failing and not understanding what they are doing wrong, all because you were too much of a pussy to do another human being a favor and pass your judgement on them.
So What Does It Mean to Live in Non-Judgement and Expectation?
Let’s face it, if you lived with no judgement or expectation, even partially; you would allow everyone in your life to just be and you wouldn’t avoid people or tell them to get out of your life. Unless you walk around like that, you sure as hell live in expectation and judgement.
If you lived in non-judgement and expectation, you pretty much would be a vegetable I guess, there’s not many openings for a human being to not be a human being which is essentially what you claim to be if you live in non-judgement and expectation.
So all through this article you watched me illustrate extensively how you cannot live without judgement and expectation. So what does Wayne Dyer and other self-help gurus mean when they say they live in non-judgement and expectation.
Simply, but I’ll explain elaborately of course, it means they live in acceptance and understanding. They also avoid conflict and dispel anger through passive means. They are non-confrontational beings. I’ll explain this, as always.
These are popular concepts because they are simple. This means be accepting. Accept that people will not always meet your expectations. Accept that judgement and expectations are part of life and everything works off these things. The entire study of science is built on the premise of expectations.
Accept your environment and those around you and do your best to co-op. You can co-op by reading everything above in this article.
Similar to acceptance. Once you accept someone, understand they are on their own path and they are doing their thing. Being more understanding, as well, as accepting will give you a greater tolerance level.
Instead of someone not taking out the trash one time and you kicking them out as your roommate; if you accept that humans don’t always live up to expectations and you understand that sometimes it’s not possible to meet expectations, then you’re more likely to talk to your roomate about the issue and get it resolved in a non-confrontational way.
Conflict Avoidance and Anger Dissolution
Acceptance and Undersatnding result in less conflict in your life and others lives. Instead of getting mad or frustrated with someone and either dismissing them or yelling at them. You have a lot more levels to go through. You will have the ability to calmly approach another individual, listen to them, talk with them, understand them, and pass your judgements in a constructive way.
At some point you may decide it just isn’t going to work out to have that roomate and you’ll be able to discuss with them moving out and they’ll be less angry because you’ll have an entire dialogue history of problems and your attempts to solve such problems.
Instead of going ape shit one day and telling them to move the fuck out that day. They also might start to acknowledge that they cannot live with you because they are not able to live up to your expectations. This is fine, you’ll part way as friends without the intense debate and conflict.
This is what it means to live in non-judgement or expectation. Essentially it means, provide constructive criticism when necessary and lower your expectations of others. Be more understanding and accepting. Talk and communicate with people.
Yes it’s that easy! You see, living with no judgement or expectations is not just a failed philosophy, it’s an impossibility.
If you can give me an example of how one lives in non-judgement and expectation or would like to add to this article, please leave a comment.